You know, it’s sort of weird that we get it in our heads that starting a new year gives us a “fresh start,” a “clean slate,” when really we can create these things any time of the year that we want.
Having said that, I’m among the millions who think of the new year as a time to reflect, make new goals, learn from the past year and resolve to make the upcoming one as good as it can possibly be. I’m beginning 2009 with a very positive, inspired outlook, much more so than usual.
One of my biggest goals for this year has to do with the kids. I tend to be a major softie when it comes to discipline. I’m far too inconsistent and as the primary force in their lives, I’m not doing them any favors by letting them get away with some of the things they do.
I did great with disciplining the girls for most of their lives. They are such good girls and I am so thankful for them. I know it’s more that they are just easy to raise than anything I did, but still, I was far more consistent with the discipline than I am now. And guess what? They think I’m pretty awesome in spite of my past strictness with them.
I suppose part of the reason why I’ve become less of a disciplinarian in the past few years is because we already have a lot of family stress going on, so I try to make our house as pleasant as possible. I want my kids to think of our home as a sanctuary, a place where they can just be and know that they are loved and accepted no matter what.
However, some of this thinking has bitten me in the rear end. Maybe it’s because they’re boys or more likely it’s just because I haven’t been nearly as consistent with them, but Cody and Logan can be extremely difficult to parent. For instance, when the girls were little, once they were in bed, they were not to come out of their room unless it was an emergency. They never did. I always knew that once they were in bed, I could relax and not worry about multiple requests to get a drink or read another book. It was nice.
But the boys, mostly Cody, have broken that rule, and others, consistently. And what do I do? I threaten them with punishment, only to rarely carry through. Shame on me, I know. Inconsistency is one of the very worst things a parent can display and I know that. Sure, I might be giving myself a little peace in the short-term, but in the big picture, all I’m teaching them is that they can keep doing what they want and the worst that will happen are some empty threats.
Same with the girls. All the habits I instilled in them when they were little have stuck, like staying in their rooms once they have been tucked in and always cleaning up their places at the table, but now they have adopted new bad habits that I have been unable to break so far. They leave their dirty clothes on the floor, get games and toys out and don’t put them away without being told and often complain when I give them a job to do.
I have a plan though, thanks to Cody’s wonderful therapist. He began seeing her a few months ago because he has displayed many symptoms of childhood depression.
Cody’s biggest problem used to be getting ready for school. He would wake up in a horrible mood (which, honestly, I can relate to since I, too, am not a big fan of morning), whine, cry and go as slowly as possible, often causing the bus to have to wait. By the time he was ready to go out the door, he would usually be wailing and I would be completely exasperated myself. I was getting frustrated out of my mind because I didn’t know how to redirect his behavior into something more positive.
So, his therapist suggested that I help him change his behavior with a bribe, of sorts. If he could get through the morning with no whining or crying and get ready in a timely manner, he would qualify for a small treat. If not, no treat. Eventually his good behavior would become a habit. I wasn’t too sure about this method, but since I didn’t have any other ideas, I tried it.
It worked! Not every morning, but most mornings, until he finally got to the place where he is automatically well-behaved every morning now. He still gets a little treat (a mini Tootsie-roll or very small piece of candy), but I think we will be able to phase that out of the program soon.
This process was supposed to be monitored on a chart, where he could place a sticker on each day he displayed the correct behavior, and after earning so many stickers, he would qualify for a bigger treat, such as a small toy from the dollar store.
Our therapist suggested that I make each one of the kids a chart listing three or four behaviors that I want to change. The desired behavior must be specified, not the bad behavior. With the tremendous success of the morning treat scheme, I really believe this chart will work, as long as I am consistent with it. It’s a positive way to create good behavior rather than constantly having to nag, remind, get upset and generally frustrate every one involved.
2009 will be the year that I become a more consistent disciplinarian and my kids learn how to be more polite, positive and productive.
What are your kid-related goals for 2009?
