It seems like parents today get too consumed with spending as much time as possible playing with their kids. Don’t get me wrong — of course I think parents should spend time with their kids. But is it really our job to entertain them?
Personally, I don’t think so.
I feel that it’s vital to a child’s development to teach her to play independently. Parents are not always available to play or give undivided attention to our kids and a child who thinks he needs to be entertained constantly will be a very unhappy child indeed.
It’s easy to feel guilty for not spending more time playing with the kids. I give in to the feelings of remorse on occasion and then have to remind myself of several things:
One, my mom never played with us. Ever. Except for board games. My sisters and I didn’t think a thing of it. In fact, we spent many happy hours using our imaginations, making up games, playing elaborate versions of “House,” doing crafts and many other mind-engaging activities. She was doing “mom” things.
Two, parents in the past were far too busy working to have time to play with their kids at all, let alone time to feel guilty about it when they had to worry about trying to give their children shelter and food. Kids back then learned more responsibility for themselves than they do now, I believe.
Three, it’s actually good to make my kids play alone or with their siblings. It encourages imagination, independent thinking, resourcefulness and they don’t rely on me to provide their entertainment. This means that hopefully when I’m busy working or on the phone, they won’t be yanking on my legs, begging me for attention.
Actually, they all play well independently, some more than others. I’m not much of a “player” either, sort of like my mom. I love to spend time with my kids, I’d just rather read a book or play a game with them, or cuddle, sing or talk. But if I don’t always get to it, I don’t beat myself up about it. They know I love them and that they can come to me any time they need to. And when I hear the four of them running around downstairs, giggling and having a great time playing the game they just invented, I think I’ve been doing the right thing all along.
I think this is such an interesting topic, I’m going to write a query letter on it to send out to magazines. This means that I will be doing some research to see what the “experts” say. I’ll report back here with my findings.
In the meantime, what are your feelings on this subject? Is it our responsibility to entertain our kids?
“I love to spend time with my kids, I’d just rather read a book or play a game with them, or cuddle, sing or talk.”
THAT IS PLAYING WITH YOUR KIDS! AND IT IS ALSO EDUCATING THEM AT THE SAME TIME!
Trust me as a professional Early Childhood Educator with 25 plus years of experience — that is exactly how you should relate to your children. Within that framework; you teach them your values, communication styles, vocabulary & content for language skills (and eventually writing skills), social skills while all playing together with the give & take of games, emotional support & self-respect (as you cuddle and listen to their opinions and feelings) and most of all: you show them that have value as a human being when you spend time with them (you ‘spend’ your valuable time with them, when you could be doing grown-up things). I wish all families understood this better and occasionally gave their time (or theirself – instead of things) to their children. As human beings; we all need such things. I hope you get a great article out of this, as it is an excellent topic. Perhaps you should start with Parent’s Magazine and Child Magazine for the query letters. Good Luck.
I was just having this conversation with a friend! I don’t “play” so much either. I do bake and cook with my boys and i will occasionally color or create something with them. I do not however get down and play cars, or trains or dinosaurs. There is the occasional dancing as well. I don’t think playing with them makes you a good parent. I am amazed by how many new parents have guilt about not “playing” with their kids. Who does that? I love to spend time with my boys, walking, talking, but just not playing. And for the record, my mother never played with us either. She always said that is why she had 4 kids, so they could play with each other.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Even though Denise tells me often that she never played with her kids, I still feel guilty because I don’t feel I spend enough time playing with mine. I feel guilty when I think they have watched too much TV or have been downstairs too long without my checking on them. Basically I guess I spend a lot of time feeling guilty!
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I have always liked to bake with them or read to them, but, like you, I am not a player. My mom played a lot with me, but I was an only child for almost 7 years so that may have had something to do with it.
I recently read a column by Dr. Redmond that said children need to entertain themselves, so I found that comforting. Let me know what you find in your research–I look forward to finding out if we are both on the right track!
Thanks for this! I don’t play with my son either and he always makes me feel guilty for it. He thinks I should be entertaining him constantly which being a single mother is impossible to do. My mom never played with us either! I don’t know why kids today are so different from how it was when I was a kid. I also feel guilty most of the time but try not to let it get to me.
Amen. There’s something to be said for allowing your kids to be independent. I have friends who think it’s their duty to spend every waking minute engaged with their children. All it does is create demanding kids who don’t know how to play independently and moms who alienate their friends and spouses because they don’t have the time or energy (or conversational skills) to do anything else.
By the way, my mom was a single parent, and I was an only child for the first part of my childhood. She was a teacher and by the end of the day really just wanted quiet and some time to herself. Although I have wonderful memories of doing all sorts of things with her, I also have plenty of memories of creating things to do on my own. I think it developed my sense of creativity and the ability to be entertained in almost any situation.
Sorry people, I think we should be playing with our kid’s or doing whatever they like, as often as they like it. Guilt, yeah!! We feel guilty because we are. If we weren’t we wouldn’t question ourselves. I feel guilty a lot. especially when My 7 year old daughter wants to play because her older sisters don’t want to play with her, and she has no one else, so cherish your children, and feel guilty , you should,!!!
hi, as for the person that thinks they should play all the time with their kids…no thats wrong, i agree they need independance, i feel guilty too, but just being there next to them or in the same room as them is the same thing, being there with the show they are watching, when they want to talk about what they watched at least you know what they are talking about and u can talk to them about what was just on tv, pay attention to the great job they did at the picture they just drew or colored and be excited for them, feed them, wash them, read them bedtime stories each nite, tickle them, let them cuddle with you, watch them play sometimes, tell them they are doing a good job playing, or ask them what they are doing, what the “dinosaur” toy was doing or eating, engage in what they are doing, you dont necessarily have to play WITH the child, just get involved with them, with their conversations they like to have by themselves lol, tell them what a good job they did at cleaning up their room and give them a little treat or sticker for doing such a good job, take them for a walk or to the candy store, to the park, for a drive, talk about the scenary, point out the cows that are far off in the distance, drive slowly past the cows, stuff like that, you really doing have to do stuff with your child every waking moment, as long as you are there to cherish the special moments, share special moments with them, and love them unconditionally and let them know you are there for them and always will be, always give them the random hug and kiss on the forhead or pat on the head. as long as you are there when they did a good job at something and want to show you…dont tell them to go leave you alone, that will only push the child away and give disappointment, always be there when they acheived something, etc, thats about it
I don’t play with my children often, and I love watching the relationship they have with each other develop, especially as they get older, and I also love seeing what kinds of solitary activities they like to enjoy. Despite the many crafts we do in our house, crafting is another activity that we tend to do side-by-side rather than together. My job is to help set up the home so that they can independently get their materials out and put them away, have easy access to (not too many) toys, and even be as independent as possible in the kitchen.
I took parent-child classes at a Waldorf school many years ago and one of the things that I took away from it was that children thrive when parents and teachers are modeling doing their own “work” while the children do theirs (play).
I personally don’t see what’s so bad about playing with your kids? I personally feel that too many parents nowadays spend far too much time playing as adults and not with their children! I know many parents that work to get away from their children, then come home, put them to bed before sundown, break out the liquor and video games, and party it up. On the weekends, they leave the kids with someone and go on vacations or out to eat and party. I think parents that don’t spend time with their kids (and spending time with them doesn’t have to be playtime) are taking them for granted and don’t deserve to have children. Our children grow up so fast and life is fleeting – even in youth. We should invest more time and passion into enjoying our lives together and our fellowship than in being successful, polished, having adult fun, and keeping up with the Joneses.
Also, when you become a parent, you have that opportunity to remember what it was like to be a child. Yours can still have a great imagination and you can still be a responsible parent and play with your children at the same time.
If you’re not going to spend time with your children and just let them fend for themselves in this area, why on earth did you have them? If any of you have ever heard of the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, then you know that one of the primary love languages that makes a person feel loved is quality time. Children need this most of all.
Yes, I totally agree that a child needs to learn to play by themselves. And I agree that it would be unfair to a child for you to spend every waking moment with them because at some point they’re going to have to be without you and need to know how to play alone and with others. But, I disagree with the fact that it’s wrong to spend one on one time with them…and strongly disagree that that one on one time can’t be “in their world”. My daughter is two and loves to dance, wiggle, sing, read books, play with her dolls, etc. etc. I jump into her world periodically and do those things with her. Yes, I may look stupid doing them, but I don’t care. Her face lights up when I march around the house with her and go on “bear hunts”. Your children are only children once. Once that time is gone, you’ll wish that you had taken that time to get on their level. Spending quality time with them is a time when you can teach them many life lessons. Teach them how to use their imagination. Teach them their numbers with a puzzle. My daughter is not spoiled because I spend time with her. If she wants my attention at a time when I can’t give it to her, I gently tell her that mommy can’t play with her at that time and try to redirect her attention elsewhere. You’re more likely to have kids who are spoiled when you don’t spend time with them because in essence, they’ve been allowed to do whatever they want when they want.
To say that spending time with your kids is a negative thing is like saying, “I don’t spend time with my husband. When he comes home, we go our separate ways, and do our own things. We might be in the same room with each other, but we’re not talking or communicating.” Why marry in the first place if you’re not going to have a real relationship with your spouse?
I’m a stay at home mom, so I do admit I have more time to spend with them. But I make sure to provide a balance that is good for my kids and for me. I spend time just with them, and then do things that need to get done around the house. BUT, my husband works full time and when he gets home at 5:30, one of the first things he does after spending a minute or two talking with me is go have one on one time with our two children before we all sit down to dinner. Those minutes he has with them are precious to him and to our kids.
Alison,
Thanks for your comments. I, too, am a huge fan of Dr. Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. I have recommended it to just about every parent I know!
I think you are misunderstanding my post. Of course we should spend time with our children! My question was: Is it our job to ENTERTAIN our children? Many parents these days seem to think it is and feel guilty for not spending every spare moment playing with their kids. My point is just that I don’t think we should be responsible for entertaining our kids. It’s good for them to learn how to entertain themselves and each other. Spending time with kids in the same room doing your thing while they do theirs, teaching them, listening to them, reading to them, etc., do not, in my opinion, qualify as entertaining them.
I agree wholeheartedly with everything you posted. I just wanted to point out that I’m not saying at all that spending time with kids is a negative thing. It’s absolutely imperative to spend time with them. I just don’t believe that we, as parents, should feel guilty for not playing with them or entertaining them, which seems to be what so many parents these days feel is a necessary part of parenting.
After writing this, I realize there is a very fine line here between what I’m saying and what you’re saying and I don’t think I’m expressing it clearly enough. You know those parents who think they need to sit down and watch every episode of Dora or Handy Manny with their kid? Or who feel horribly guilty for doing something they enjoy themselves because they think they should be playing with their kids? I’m saying I don’t think that’s a necessary part of parenting.
I can be doing what I need and want to do while my kids are doing what they need and want to do, often in the same room. I can be making dinner and chatting with them as they help or working in my office as they play right next to me. In other words, my world doesn’t need to revolve around them 100% of the time; they can be in their own world and we can visit each other’s once in awhile. Does that make more sense?
Thanks again for your response. I hope you understand that we are totally on the same page and that I, too, would respond as you did if I thought someone was advocating not spending time with your kids!
I think it is very important to spend as much time with your kids as you can. It don’t matter if you don’t play, whatever you do with them they will love it no matter what. I have 6 children; 3 are boys and 3 are girls, they do play among one another and it’s great.
So I know everyone thinks differently about the topic but, just do what you can with your kids, and do it often.
you have your own lives.. your kids needs to develop their own lives or they will remain depended forever… I think perhaps some parents neglect their spouses or other parts of their lives being so obsessed as being the perfect parents… Keep it natural and spontaneous but more importantly let kids play with kids as much as possible!
Love them! The rest should come naturally. Remember that they are watching and taking in EVERYTHING you do, so it is important that you do adult activities instead of playing with them all the time. They will see that responsible adults prepare mails, get the mail, pay the bills, clean the house, and love their children. I agree that it is not necessary to get down on the floor and play dinosaurs everyday. BUT, do SOMETHING with them everyday. Read a book, let them help with dinner, play a board game, sing songs, dance, whatever. Then they will know that Mommy and Daddy love me, they just aren’t that excited about dinosaurs! Lol Your kids know when you love them. My mom and dad raised 8 kids and I don’t ever remember them playing anything with us, but they taught us to sew, and cook, and and earn a living, and they rejoiced in everything we achieved. They corrected us when we were wrong and praised us when we were right and because they cared enough to put that effort into us, we knew that we were loved. That’s really all it takes in my opinion. After that it comes down to parental preference. If you want to play (and I must admit I do play a good bit cause I am just a big kid at heart) then that’s great, but if you spend your quality time with your kids doing other things, that is no reason to think you aren’t a good parent. Even caring enough to wonder about it is a good sign, cause bad parents usually don’t even give a crap…
^^ha ha…I meant prepare meals not mails, but you get the idea…lol
I, too would rather read to them, talk or cuddle. I try to play games or just run around with them. For a long time, I felt guilt if I didn’t play with them every moment of the day. I eventually realized that I also have things to do, too and stopped beating myself up for it.
kids don’t need you to be their friend, they need you to be their parent. You can teach your kids a lot with statemtents like – ‘I have to do my chores first (cooking, work, etc) then I can play.’; or, ‘How about you choose what we do for 20 minutes (playing cars, etc.) and I will choose what we do for 20 minutes (read together, quiet time,etc.).’; or, ‘I don’t really enjoy playing _____, lets think of something we both enjoy to do together.’ Also, think of ways they can help you with your chores, or help them think of things they can do on their own, or give them a challenge like ‘lets see how tall of a tower you can build with legos’. Ask them questions, like ‘do you know why I go to work, or what I do at work.’ They will learn a lot from you. You might learn from them too.
I completely agree with you, John!
Wow a lot of feeling guilty people on here.
My Dad *never* played with us except occasionally monopoly or a game of football when on vacation. He took us skating or else to the park sometimes I remember. My mom never played with us at all.
My wife right now is on at me because she thinks I should play more with them. I read with them a half hour a day and we go for walks or bicycle rides and then I take them to the park or somewhere else all weekend. Quite frankly I’m exhausted. I think I’m doing way more than my parents did so what is there to feel guilty about?
I am a nanny who works for parents who NEVER play, read, bathe, cook ect. w/ their kids. Heck, they don’t even make sure their kid’s brush their teeth before they go to bed or when they wake up. Before the parents go to bed (about 8 or 9pm) they drop off a bag of double stuffed orrioes (or something just as sugary) and leave the kids in front of the TV. The kids (the youngest, now 7, was 4 when i started working for them) stay up into the wee hours of the night. The 7 year old is going into second grade. she cannot read, write, or do math at the 2nd grade level. I keep telling the parents she needs more attention but they ignore me and go on spoiling themselves. Neither one of these parents has to work. I could go on and on.
Thank you for your post, and for all of your comments. I actually appreciate John’s comments quite a bit.
My son is 3 years and 3 months, and I have always played with him a lot. Sometimes it actually made me frustrated, because I neglected doing the things that I needed to do. I felt that I shouldn’t leave him to play alone “a lot,” especially after reading about playful parenting techniques.
But you know what? These days he is really pushing away from me. He even told me two days ago that he didn’t want me to play with him and that he wanted to play by himself with his trains and cars. I think he was telling me that he needs some space!
It is not my responsibility to entertain kids all the time or at all for that matter. I am a step parent and my the kids are so clingy and always have been. Play with me, sit and watch tv with me etc. It has ruined our marriage. It should have been a wake up call when we met she still had the kids ages 5 and 7 in bed with her.
I like to retire to my man cave and watch tv and play video games. But the wife thinks b/c she is downstairs with the kids I should be to. I don’t want to hang out with her and kids 100% of the time. I feel like a caged animal. Moms cut the cord already!!
I have a two year old girl, she helps me when I cook, we read throughout the day, we play outside as often as we can. I have no problem letting her play on her own while I’m doing chores and necessary things around the house, and neither does she, but I do have a hard time balancing letting her play on her own and me doing my own thing (that’s not “necessary”, like reading a grown-up book!) for a half hour or so during the day. I know I shouldnt feel guilty, because it’s good for both of us, but I don’t know how to explain that to her.
Thanks for this great little piece. I often feel guilty that I don’t “play” constantly with my 2 yr old son. I do get down on the floor and do blocks, ABC cards, books, etc with him when I can – but otherwise I am busy cooking, cleaning, and doing work from home. People are always telling me how well he plays independently and I sometimes wonder if they think that’s a good or bad thing. I guess it depends on the parent it is coming from! When my son was younger I would increase his independent playtime more and more which is why he is able to do this.