I posted this on the other blog I write for, LargerFamilies.com, regarding an article that featured LargerFamilies.com founder Meagan Francis.
OK, I admit it.
I read all 73 comments on yesterday’s NY Times article in which Meagan, this blog’s founder, appeared, “And Baby Makes How Many?”
I couldn’t stop myself.
I was curious to see how readers would react to what I thought was a very good story regarding families with four or more children.
Call me naive, innocent, sheltered or whatever, but I was totally shocked by the vitriol displayed in the majority of the comments.
Maybe it’s partly because where I live, large families are fairly common. I’ve had only one person EVER say to me that I’m terrible for having so many kids and she was someone I didn’t know responding to an op-ed I wrote for the newspaper. I had no idea there was so much contempt for big families out there.
There were a few comments scattered throughout by people who either had no problem with, or even advocated, having more than three children, but they were by far the minority. They were also attacked by the other commenters as being unconcerned with the environment, only thinking in the short-term and, most appalling to me, deeply selfish.
The idea that parenting a bunch of kids could be construed as selfish is, to me, laughable. Who has time to be selfish?
I never imagined that this topic would be so volatile. I mean, I’ve had my share of wry comments (“Are they ALL yours?” and “You DO know what causes that, don’t you?”), but I haven’t ever encountered such hostility about my large family as I found in these comments.
I do agree with some of what the naysayers complained about, such as people who keep on having kids and count on the government to help them. That really isn’t fair to other taxpayers.
However, to call parents of more than three kids “narcissistic” and “socially irresponsible” is unfair. One commenter railed on about how said parents have some instinctual drive to “replicate” themselves over and over. Seriously? I have never, ever, not once, thought that it was necessary to replicate myself. Having kids, to me, has nothing to do with my genes; it has to do with sharing the love I have and helping little ones grow into responsible, independent adults. Had I not been able to have my own children, I would have been just as happy to adopt.
I have to wonder if these people who are so against big families believe in using abortion as a form of birth control. To say that it’s irresponsible, selfish and wrong to have “too many” kids implies to me that should there be an unplanned pregnancy, it must be terminated, mainly for the sake of the environment and the risk of overpopulation. What about people, like me, who don’t believe in this sort of birth control? Who believe that every child, planned or unplanned, is a gift?
Many of us didn’t even intend to have this many children. I don’t know about you, but just about everyone I know has at least one child who was a surprise. Birth control is not, by any means, 100% effective.
This is clearly a topic that will never be agreed upon. I think one of the commenters said it best: “In the end- there are always going to be enough people in rich countries who choose not to have many children to allow for those who want large families to have them and still achieve population stability. . . . In terms of the environment . . . a much larger issue is reducing waste and green tech innovations.”
Amen.
What are your thoughts on families with more than three children?
Well, as the youngest of four children, I obviously am biased! Right now, we only have 2 children, but we are certainly keeping the idea of having more children open for the future. I think that it is actually selfish of people to have no or few children, because usually they want to maintain an artificially high standard of living, and having more children will prevent them from having all the “latest and greatest” gadgets or technology or whatever. Having many children seems to be the opposite of selfish, because of just how much *giving* and self*less*ness comes with being a mother, especially of many children.
Once, many years ago, a young 20-something made the remark in my hearing about a friend of mine who has 12 children that it was “selfish” because there are people who cannot have children. Um, how does *her* ability to produce offspring keep another woman from being able to similarly reproduce? It’s not like there is a finite supply of children somewhere, like Tickle-Me-Elmos at Toys ‘R Us, and we parents have to race to the shelves to make sure we get ours before somebody else snatches them from in front of us!
I think people mean selfish in that the parents want to have kids for some self-satisfaction reason whatever they may be without considering their ability to give enough attention to each one or to provide for their material needs.
I agree with you and thank you for affirming large families. Our society place too much value on personal “rights” and material comforts. Large families may not have all the toys, but they have so much more.
My thoughts?
I would LOVE to have a big family. Yes, having kids gives me self-satisfaction the same way that having a good relationship with my mother does and going to church and loving my husband… they all make me feel satisfied with myself, my life, my home, my family. If that makes me selfish, then so-be-it.
I have two kids, I am pretty sure I could have about 5. Hubby wants to stop at two. We’re in negotiations.
I couldn’t believe what I read in those comments. I would love to have a big family. I am the youngest child of three and as the only girl used to get pretty lonely. My mother was one of six and none of them were lonely. Four of the six graduated from college- two chose not to go to college becuase they got married. They are all relatively successful. As for the environment, I don’t large or small families are the problem, i think it is the materialistic society that we as Americans have become accustomed to. Maybe if each individual American didn’t need so much there wouldn’t be so many problems and important things like children would not be objected to.