They come in all forms; sweet, evil, intrusive, uninvolved, bossy. Or, if you’re really unlucky, a combination of all these.

Whatever your relationship with your mother-in-law, it’s bound to have its stresses.

How do I know this? Because I have one of the nicest people, if not the nicest, in the universe for a mother-in-law. And despite that, we have had our share of differences. To be fair, the vast majority of these problems occurred when my daughters were young and were, at the time, her only grandchildren. She likely isn’t even aware of the majority of said issues because I never told her. I loathe confrontation, so I kept my feelings to myself. That’s never a good idea, especially in an area as important as parenting. All you gain from being silent is a host of regrets.

The most aggravating situation occurred one time when she was helping me buckle the babies into their car seats. She told me in no uncertain terms that I was buckling them in too tightly and proceeded to loosen the straps (a lot) right in front of me. I just stared at her in disbelief. I had to go back into my house to calm down, I was so upset. But did I ever say anything? Nope.

Instead I spent several years feeling like I had absolutely no control over my kids’ welfare when I was around her. I’d ask her to put them to bed at a decent time when they stayed over without me. No go. They would always, without fail, come home exhausted. I’d say they couldn’t have a certain food while we were visiting and she’d give it to them anyway. When we went somewhere, she’d push the girls’ stroller, which was something I really wanted to do. She’d give them baths without asking me first. She even gave Andie her first haircut while I was sleeping. It felt like everything I said or did was overridden. Of course, this made me feel like a bad mother, unable to do the simplest of tasks where my children were concerned if she was around.

I look back at the way I handled everything back then (or rather didn’t handle it) and I wish I could go back and do it over. If I had just talked to her about all the things that bothered me, there’s no question that she would have done her best to back off, as hard as it may have been for her. She is by nature a take-charge type person, especially where kids are concerned. She’s had six of her own and she adores children, so it was perfectly natural for her to start mothering her grandchildren without even realizing it.

Now, ten-and-a-half years later, she’s not even recognizable as the same person. What caused the change? In my opinion, there were three factors. One, my sister-in-law had twins and I had two more of my own babies, which forced her to spread herself much thinner. Two, as my brother-in-law got older, he noticed how she sort of did what she wanted with my kids and kept telling her to “stop undermining the parents!” And three, my daughters are independent now, so whisking them away is no longer an option.

None of this is to say that she was a bad mother-in-law. Note that I did begin by saying that she is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. It’s completely my fault that the situation got to the point it did. How could she know how I felt when I didn’t say a word? I think I just expected her to somehow infer the way I was feeling, which is ridiculous.

You can’t expect anyone to read your mind. If you don’t communicate effectively, the way you are treated is your own fault. I like a lot of what Dr. Phil says and one thing he says that makes a lot of sense to me is, “You teach people how to treat you.” That is so true.

If you’re having mother-in-law issues, tell her how you feel. Chances are she’ll remember run-ins with her own mother-in-law and will go to great lengths to avoid making you feel like she once did. And if not, at least you’ll know that you did your best to clear the air.

Do you get along with your mother-in-law? Why or why not? How do you handle issues that arise between you?

Tags: children, communication, family, kids, mother-in-law, parenting