Tomorrow is Logan’s 5th birthday.

Sniff.

Tomorrow marks the first time I went into labor on my own, the worst pain I’ve ever endured in my entire life, the only epidural I ever had, which was only for the last 20 minutes of my labor (ugh) and the day that my life changed forever.

The day I found out I was pregnant with Logan, I bawled. I had just returned from taking 10-month-old Cody to the Mayo Clinic to have his epilepsy evaluated and since he was our second child with it, I had decided that I didn’t want to have another baby and risk epilepsy with that one too. Feeling overwhelmed already, the realization that I was going to have another child was not welcome news.

I spent the entire pregnancy in a fog as my marriage took a devastating blow shortly after we found out about the upcoming baby. In terms of nasty pregnancy symptoms, this one was blissfully free of them, but I had other problems. I was under so much stress that I couldn’t gain weight and had to start drinking high-calorie Ensure every day to make up for it. I started having contractions far too early and my doctor put me on medication to control them so I that hopefully wouldn’t go into labor, a possibility about which he was very concerned.

Memories of Logan’s birth are hazy. I remember wishing I could die, thinking that the pain was absolutely unbearable, being put off on having the epidural because it was “too soon,” when really, they waited WAY too long (I was 8 1/2 cm. dilated by the time I had it). I don’t really remember what Logan looked like or if I was happy when he was born. I think I was just complacent and neutral, a zombie of sorts.

The first year of his life is likewise a blur as I sunk into an even deeper depression due to my marriage difficulties. What I remember most though is that Logan is a big reason I’m still here today. He was such a good and happy baby. His smile always came easily and I often felt as if he was sent to me by God to infuse my life with joy and keep me going. Having to tend to him helped me get out of bed in the morning. Looking at his chubby, cheerful baby face brought unbidden smiles to my own. My other kids brought me a lot of joy too; there’s just something about a baby though, especially a baby whose main purpose seems to be to bring happiness to his home.

Logan has been nothing short of a miracle and a blessing to our family. He still likes me to carry him all over the place. He loves to cuddle and tells me almost every day that he wants to marry me. (Of course, that declaration is reneged every time I don’t let him have something he wants.) It’s a cliché, but kids really do grow up way too fast. Before I know it, he’ll be turning ten, then fifteen, then eighteen…

Of course his getting older just means I’m also getting older.

Boo.

Tags: baby, birthday, children, family, kids, mom, parenting