I’m reading an article about the benefits of helicopter parenting published in the Boston Globe a few months ago. The author, Don Aucoin says,
…a quiet reappraisal of helicopter parents is underway. Some researchers have begun to argue that late adolescence and young adulthood are such minefields today – emotional, social, sexual, logistical, psychological – that there are valid reasons for parents to remain deeply involved in their children’s lives even after the kids are, technically speaking, adults.
Further along in the article, a social historian argues that helicopter parenting is not the same as over-parenting, though people use the two terms interchangeably. She feels helicoptering is actually a positive method of raising kids.
So far, I’m not buying it. Being that involved in a child’s life cannot possibly be good for either party.
Until I read the next part, detailing the activities of a self-professed helicopter mom of twin daughters who are attending college.
She goes shopping with them. She gives them advice about their relationships. She weighs in when they are worried about an upcoming test or wondering which class to take. She helps decorate their dorm rooms. One night a week, when (her daughter) gets off work from her part-time job, (she) drives from her Newton home to downtown Boston, picks her up, and transports her back to Pine Manor College.
That doesn’t sound so extreme to me. In fact, that sounds like the kind of relationship I hope to have with my daughters someday. I would go so far as to say that this mom doesn’t really fit the definition of a helicopter mom. These girls are adults, they’re in college, and their mom is their buddy. She sounds very involved with her daughters’ lives, but not interfering.
If I stick to the Wikipedia definition mentioned in my last post, I have a big problem with helicopter parenting. Not allowing kids to fail and deal with it, or make their own choices and become independent-thinking adults, is not raising very healthy and responsible members of society. Life is tough and often unfair. Part of our job as parents is to teach our kids cause and effect, choices and consequences of those choices, so they will be prepared for reality, rather than stunned into immobility by how different the outside world is, where Mommy and Daddy aren’t there to rescue them.
Next time: How much is too much involvement?
What did you think of the Boston Globe article? Share your thoughts on its argument that helicopter parenting is beneficial for some families. Do you feel that “helicopter parenting” and “over-parenting” are synonymous?
I worry about parents that say they are best friends with their child. Can’t they just be parents and get their own friends?
I’ve been writing on this topic for a long while on my blog; I’m very pleased to see someone else doing the same! Very well done and enjoyable to read through. I have homeschooled all four of my children and three are now young adults. My basic “parenting” premise rests on the idea that children do best given ample time, freedom, privacy and trust and as parents, we serve them best by trusting ourselves and remembering that we are to be parents, not buddies and not life coaches, not therapists, not tour guides…parents’. As a Midwife for many years, I always taught my young parents to take care of their marriages and friendships and let the kids be kids! None who took my advice have expressed regret; many who didn’t have come back for more input! Nice job; I’ll be back.
I completely agree with you, certifieddad. As tempting as it can be to want to be the good guy and be your kid’s buddy, it doesn’t do them any good. As I said in yesterday’s post, the second I stop being my kids’ mom and start being their friend, I’ve lost all my authority.
Michelle, you are so wise! Clearly we’re on the same page with our parenting philosophies.
I was just recently divorced, so I confess to being more child-centric lately, but I agree with you 100% about fostering other relationships first, particularly marriage. I think if a couple has a good marriage, the kids’ happiness will typically follow.
Thanks for your nice comments! I’m going to go check out your blog.
Speaking from a teenager’s point of view, I think helicopter parenting and over-parenting can pretty much be grouped into the same definition. My mom is more like a best friend to me, and it has both perks and downsides. She stays involved in my life without completely controlling it which is great. However, there are times when she’ll press her opinions on me and I won’t like it, at which point we’ll both get agitated because we take it personally. I think being “friends” with your child is really harder for the parent, especially when it comes to letting them go…
I write for a blog called Radical Parenting – it’s a site on parenting from a kid’s perspective. One of our articles called “10 Qualities of Teacup Parenting” might offer a little more insight on the topic, skim through it if you’d like! Thanks
http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/06/19/10-qualities-of-teacup-parenting-is-your-kid-too-fragile/
Very interesting, Stephanie. It’s cool to hear from a teenager’s perspective. My mom was the opposite of a helicopter parent, so I wouldn’t begin to understand what it feels like to be parented that way.
I’m definitely going to check out your website.