Sarah: What are some simple ways that parents can make their communication more effective?
Gila: When coaching parents, I teach them to use the following tools towards effective communication. It takes work, but is well worth it.
1. Listen Without Judgment — Bite your tongue. Control the impulse to correct, advise or judge. Encourage kids to open up. Just listen.
2. Respond to Feelings, Not Behaviors — Look past behaviors to identify the underlying feelings. Address the cause, not the symptoms.
3. Empower Kids to Problem Solve — Give kids the opportunity to come up with solutions to problems independently. Encourage creative problem solving and win-win solutions.
S: What do you believe is one of the biggest communication barriers between parents and children?
G: The root of the communication barrier between parent and child is simply a lack of understanding. The world looks very different to a child than to an adult, yet we work very hard to train children to fit into our adult world. We get frustrated when they have tantrums or when they don’t do what we say. We get angry when they lie to us or ignore us. One of the things I teach parents to do is to learn to decode behavior. While we can certainly choose to punish a child for not behaving in a way that is acceptable to us, it is far more effective to take the time to understand why they are behaving in such a way. When we begin to understand and validate their feelings, as well as their need not to comply with us, we quickly see a turnaround in their level of cooperation. We get back a lot more from our kids when we are willing to give of ourselves, as well.
S: Can you briefly explain the concept of attachment parenting? Why do you feel it’s effective?
G: Attachment parenting is, without a doubt, extremely effective. It is based on years of research that show that children need a secure bond with at least one adult in order to thrive as independent, confident, compassionate individuals. The secure bond makes a child feel safe enough to be his authentic self without fear of judgment, criticism or punishment. This attachment, or secure bond, is created from the time an infant is born. By co-sleeping, baby-wearing, breastfeeding and responding to baby’s cries parents can build that bond, resulting in a deep trusting relationship between parent and child.
S: What are some of the clues you’ve seen that there’s a lack of respect by the parent for the child? Why is respect for the child so important?
G: The lack of respect for children comes from the traditional parenting approach that says a parent’s role is to control and mold a child into a proper adult. There is the all-too-common belief that, if left to their own devices, kids will take advantage and will not be able to discern between right and wrong. Consequently, parents turn to tactics (time-outs, gold stars, grounding, yelling, etc.) in order to control children’s behavior. This perception is incongruent with the notion of mutual respect. How can we have respect for someone who we believe to be lazy, manipulative and incapable?
Ironically, the only way to teach a child true respect, and to teach them to respect us, is by showing our respect for them. We can train kids to behave in ways that we feel are respectful, but unless we offer them our respect as well, they will not learn the true meaning of the word.
S: Why is it so important to let our children be authentic?
G: By allowing kids to be authentic, that is that they are free to explore and respond to the world in a way that is natural to them, we build in them a self-confidence that will carry them throughout their lives. Again, a child that is respected will naturally have respect for others and the world around. When we teach our children that it is safe for them to be who they are, that they are respected, supported and loved unconditionally they are free to become independent, responsible, compassionate and self-directed adults. What more could we want for our kids?
Gila Brown, M.A., is a Child Development Specialist and Parent Educator in Los Angeles, CA, and author of a soon-to-be-released parenting book exploring the application of attachment theory principles for parents of double-digit kids. For more parenting information, you can visit her at www.GilaBrown.com.
Thanks for sharing this post. Please let us know when her book will be out. There’s definitely a need for that kind of thing!
This is a lovely guest post. I hadn’t heard of her before – thanks for the introduction. Now that I have an almost 9 year old I’m already thinking about the teen years– I look forward to reading her book.