My friend and colleague, Meagan Francis, who also happens to be the founder of Larger Families, a blog on which I’m a contributor, had a great essay on Babble.com the other day. I was happy when I read it and discovered that, as in just about every area I’ve discovered so far, she and I are in complete agreement as far as paying for our kids’ college tuition: We’re not.
I was so relieved to read her essay, truthfully, because this isn’t exactly a viewpoint that I broadcast, but I’ve been firm on it since before I had kids, when I was in college myself. I haven’t met many other parents who feel the same way about this. As Meagan says, people tend to think parents who don’t fund their kids’ secondary education are selfish.
However, I have to disagree. We all have different definitions of selfish, after all, and personally, I don’t think wanting your kids to have to work hard for what they have is selfish.
I always knew my parents weren’t going to be able to pay for my college tuition, which never bothered me a bit. Instead, it forced me to focus harder on getting good grades in high school so that I could qualify for as many scholarships as possible, since I was going to have to foot the bill myself.
And I did. I’m still paying off that school loan. It feels like I’ll be paying it off for the rest of my life.
Do I wish that my parents had been able to finance the entire shebang? Sure. I wouldn’t still be paying on the dratted thing and I wouldn’t have had to keep a job while I went to school.
Did I suffer because of it though? Not really. In fact, it was what I saw around me at college that made me decide that I would never pay my kids’ tuition. Help, yes. Free ride, no.
Most of the kids I knew whose education was fully funded by Mom and Dad didn’t have a job and therefore had a lot of extra free time on their hands. I dunno, free time + college kids = partying, typically.
The Funded Ones also didn’t seem to care as much about their grades. “Oh, I’ll just take the class over if I flunk,” was a comment I heard more than once.
I’m not saying all Funded Ones were this way, but I would say that in general, this seemed to be true. Those of us who had to pay our own way worked hard because we had to. We had to maintain scholarships or get new ones, find money to buy shampoo and deodorant and learn to pay our credit cards on time.
It’s like when your kid wants something and you tell them no, sorry, it’s too expensive. Then you add, “But if you want to use your allowance/birthday/Christmas money for it, go right ahead.” Isn’t it funny how they almost always decide they didn’t want the item all that badly? Once the expense comes out of their own pocket, they’re forced to think about where and how they want to spend their money.
That can’t be all bad, can it?
What’s your opinion on paying for your kids’ secondary education? Do you plan to? Why or why not?
My parents had savings bond put away for me to attend college but guess what I did blew it all away. I had no concept of working hard because someone else paid for it…and alot of children are like that. They don’t realize the gift that they have received and ultimately socializing becomes the priority instead of schooling. So, I have to agree with you, we are not paying for our children’s college education either. We will help out but it will be up to them to get the grades in high schoool (with our foot to help) and to apply for the scholarships and loans.
That’s very interesting, Liza. It’s good to hear from one of the Funded Ones. =)
I would like to be able to set money aside for my kids’ college funds. Of course, that depends on a lot of other factors. If I can, great; if not, oh well.
I went to a junior college, paid for (except for books) due to my ACT grades — an automatic scholarship. My parents paid for my books at least the first year; I might have paid after that, from my after-school job — can’t really remember. But our family has always been smart and competitive, (and we went to a small Christian school, without a lot of peer pressure to be dumb — actually, more peer pressure to outsmart and beat the other kids) so we were always motivated to do our best scholastically. Although I didn’t pay for my college (nor did my parents, I suppose), I didn’t squander my time. Living at home, driving back and forth 35 miles each way each day, I didn’t get involved with a lot of stupid friends, doing a lot of stupid stuff. Perhaps if I had lived at the dorm I might have.
One of my friends was completely his 3rd year (at a 2-year school!) because he had wasted his time there before, due to his not having to pay for his education himself (probably an ACT scholarship, like me). But this time around, he was more studious, and he attributed it to the fact that he had to pay for it himself.
It can be done that kids work hard in school, even if they don’t have to pay for education out of their own pockets. But it’s harder to ensure that. Probably a constant drumming into their heads of “this money is for college” and “you will work hard and excel” and “if you don’t get good enough grades, I will withdraw my funds, so you will have to pay for it yourself” throughout most of their life, and getting louder and more frequent the closer to college they get.
However, I do agree that it would solve a lot of college ills if kids had to work their way through college. I certainly don’t think it should be a free ride. In my mind, I see us paying for some of their college (my husband is a teacher, so perhaps he’ll be teaching at a college when the kids are that age, so will get free tuition), but they’ll have to pay for whatever we can’t afford, and also for their extra expenses — if they could live at home or at the dorm for X but want to get an apartment, they’ll have to fund the difference; if we can afford hamburger and they want steak, they’ll have to fund the difference; if they want money to go party, they’ll have to work for it.
We’ve put some — minimal! — money aside for our kids’ “education,” but we’re fully aware that they may decide not to use it for college and that’s OK with us. If they want to use it to attend trade school, set up a business, buy a house, whatever, it’s OK. To have money set aside for your kids with certain expectation attached (such as, this is for your college degree) ignores, to a certain extent, the kid. Who says that kid will want or need a college degree?
In any case, in no way will the money be enough for them to attend school and that’s also OK. Like you and Meagan, I believe there’s a lot to be said for contributing to your own education.
It can be done: My husband and I both have college degrees, but neither of us has any college debt. My college was funded through a combination of scholarships and working; his was courtesy of the United States govt. (Thanks, GI Bill!)
I love your blog and I’m delurking here!
I grew up with my mom and dad telling my brother and myself that we would be going to college on grade (ACT/SAT) scholarships so we had better work hard, take hard classes etc. while in high school. We did. A’s were expected of us, B’s questioned and C’s punished all through school. We both got those scholarships. I feel that pushing us towards good grades was how my parents paid for our schooling. They have kicked in additional money here and there for school, summer classes and books mostly. And we both appreciate that greatly.
By having good habits drilled into us from the start, I think we avoided the pitfall of not paying for our own schools. No partying for us. Its probably different b/c ours was paid with scholarships that we earned vs. mom paying for it.
I plan to do this with my kids. I encourage them to work at their best potential (not overly pushy though! no helicoptering here) and I hope to have some money put aside to help them when it comes. College tuition is just going up and up and I dont want him shouldering all of that.
Kudos!! More people feel the same way you do than you thought!
Thanks, Christina! I enjoyed reading your story and completely agree with you. I also expect my kids to do their best and no more and I hope to be able to help them financially when they’re ready for secondary education.
Thanks for reading (and delurking!).
I agree, Kathy. I see myself helping out with college, or with expenses or books or something like that, but there is no way I’m footing the entire bill. Hard work is entirely undervalued these days and I want my kids to understand the value in it.
Plus there’s nothing like the feeling of knowing that you accomplished something big, thanks mostly to your own ambition and drive.
Ok, had to leave another comment, because this girl is the poster-child for what’s wrong with the education system today. She’s smart enough to get into college, but not smart enough to understand the terms of the loans, to apply for financial aid (grants, scholarships, etc.)… She borrowed thousands of dollars in excess of her college expenses, instead of working through college to pay those. Where were her parents when she was growing up, to teach her these things? Now, she’s saddled with $120,000 for a bachelor’s degree she’s currently unable to use, and unable to pay for (she’s tending bar at a bowling alley); and her student loans are seriously burdening her, but they’re the kind you can’t bankrupt on. Her grandmother cosigned the loans for her, so now grandma may lose her house to pay for her granddaughter’s currently unusable bachelor’s degree (and probably a fair amount of partying). She says she doesn’t know when the last time she went to the grocery store is. But you wanna know what’s the kicker for me? She’s got $120 cable & internet bill plus a $150 cell phone bill. Um, I’d think if I was so burdened down that I couldn’t pay my bills, I’d get cheaper bills!
Wow, that’s a horrifying story, Kathy. Thanks for sharing. You’re right — this type of thing is exactly what’s wrong with the education system today (and some lacking parenting skills, too!).
My hubby and I paid for our own bachelor’s and master’s degrees with some scholarship, working through school, and with little help from either set of parents. My husband earned a full academic scholarship for his Master’s degree but we took out a loan to help pay living expenses as baby number three was on the way at the time. We use to always disagree with how our kids’ college educations would be paid. He wanted to pay it and I thought they should pay their own ways (of course we would be willing to help out in an emergency). His parents very generously bought each of our children one full year of tuition credits, but I didn’t tell the kids about it until my oldest son was a senior in high school. We always stressed hard work and scholarship opportunities. My oldest son, having tuition paid for that first year decided he wanted to socialize more than study. A very bright student, he completely bombed out his freshman year, lost his partial scholarship and we told him that was it. He was on his own. He lived at home to save on rent, got a job, and took out loans…he’s been on the Dean’s List ever since! Now my husband agrees with me that they should pay their own way. My oldest daughter who is very bright, but always hated shool, took a year off, but is now at a community college to stretch her tuition credits while she figures out what she wants to do with her life. My next daughter is a senior, in the top 5% of her class and is hoping for a full academic scholarship. We have always told her that she needed a scholarship because by the time she got to college her the money would be gone. HA! She must have believed us because she has always been very diligent about her studies. I have seen plenty of college students piddle away their parents’ hard earned money. I would rather my children learn the value of education, hard work, and money then see that money go down the drain. By making them responsible for financing their own education, I will have more money to give them as a graduation gift when they will more fully appreciate it. Anyway, after this novel, I just wanted to say I agree completely that kids need to be responsible for their own higher education!
Hi – Just found this blog by googling. I don’t have time to read all the comments, but wanted to leave one
I am delighted to find someone else with the same views! My husband and I will not be funding our kids education, nor will we open up a 529 college savings plan (we just had our 1st baby, a boy now 7mo. old – and yes, I’m already thinking of college!). Instead, we want to educate our kids on how to be financially responsible, and manage their own education. I think handling of finances is severely under taught by parents. Just look at the high debt college students get into!! Hopefully our kids will get scholarships, but if they don’t, they can manage by work & student loans. Sure, we will probably pitch in for some stuff like books etc., but the majority of it will be handled by our kids. Student loans have such great interest rates, it’s a great way to go. A friend of my mom’s did something interesting, which I think is a good idea. She bought a condo close to her daughter’s university. She made the mortgage payments, her daughter found some roomates and charged them rent, and she had the same place to live all 4 years. How nice is that! She didn’t have to move every year, the mom was getting some of the mortgage covered, and the money was being invested in a property, that hopefully will go up in value one day, (pending economy – even if that day is a long way off!) That’s a lot better than paying the university or apartment complex a lot of $. 
Thank you for the post.
Today, only the very wealthy parent can afford to send their child through college. However, their reasons are entirely different than the rest of us.
Fortunately, there are ways to get that BA degree that cost the student about $10 per day. And, graduate in under three years, with no debts.
The error, at the base of our thinking about college and its potential benefit, is the lack of planning with our children. We need to start that process at 12 years, or so. Over time, the child develops the necessary self-discipline and relative maturity to enter the adult world at 18 years.
We really cheat our children, otherwise.
Frankly, too many families are suffering the results of our recent binge of excess, and cannot support college for their children, in any honest way.
ProfessorDad