I know I mention my friend Meagan a lot, but she’s just so cool and inspiring. Not only is she the founder of Larger Families, a blog I write for occasionally, she also started a new blog recently called The Happiest Mom, which I have thoroughly enjoyed reading whenever it lands in my inbox.
Her most recent coup is an essay she wrote for Babble.com as a rebuttal for the offensive piece that Women’s Health ran recently on women who have large families, dubbed “bumpaholics.” Meagan was quoted in the aforementioned article, entitled, “The Belly-Rubbing High;” however, most of her comments were left out as they most certainly would have disproved the author’s theory that women who have large families have emotional, psychological and/or intellectual issues.
There are so many offensive parts to this article, I could probably write a doctoral dissertation in my efforts to refute it. The bottom line is that though I’ve no doubt there are women who fit the writer’s description of loving the attention pregnancy brings and trying to fill a void in their lives with babies, the generalizations that prevail throughout the piece feel like they’re aimed at ALL mothers of large families, myself included.
Now, in the interest of full disclosure here, let me say that before I had kids, and possibly even when I only had the girls, I was completely and utterly boggled by big families. I felt very critical and superior toward them, particularly the large families in my community who I knew didn’t have a lot of money.
“Why would they have so many kids when they can’t really afford them?” I asked my husband multiple times. He, who is from a large and not super-prosperous family, always defended these families, saying they probably loved kids and that was more important to them than having money. I’d just shake my head, feeling sorry for these people who clearly didn’t know how to use birth control. To me it seemed irresponsible to have a bunch of kids, especially when you weren’t able to provide well for them.
Now here I am, the mother of four, and vocal about my desire to have more. Craaaaazy, right?
My point is that I know what it’s like to be on both sides. I think our society has taught us to value material possessions more than personal relationships and this can translate into the decisions we make about our offspring as well. Larger families are looked down upon in general because they often have less and seem chaotic and crazy, at least one of which is pretty close to true for most of us, I think.
Here’s the part of the article that really lit my fuse more than any other: “But plenty of couples stop at one or two children, despite the fundamental drive to reproduce. This is because we can use our higher brain functions to keep those instincts in check, reminding ourselves that children cost money—about $950 a month until they’re 18—and require an extraordinary amount of time and energy.”
Oh, OK, so evidently I’m not intelligent enough to keep my instincts in check? Yeah, I’m not at all insulted by that generalization.
I can, however, use my higher brain functions to save mega bucks by swapping baby clothes, toys and necessities with my extended family members; forcing my children to save up their money and buy their own high-dollar items; buying clothes and shoes on clearance; getting food in bulk; and a zillion other tricks I’ve learned over the years. $950/month per child? Seriously? That’s absolutely crazy. There’s no reason on God’s green earth that a child should cost that much unless he/she has some major medical issues.
More on this another time …
“I think our society has taught us to value material possessions more than personal relationships and this can translate into the decisions we make about our offspring as well. ”
Amen.
As a former nurse, I’ve been in the room when people die. And at the moment of death, none of your “stuff” matters. Your professional achievements, the cars in the garage, the house in the Hamptons — none of it matters. At that moment, all that any of us have left are relationships.
I’m not saying that’s a reason to have a large family. It is, however, a reason to stop and consider what really matters.
Jenny
another Mom who is raising four kids on far less than $950/mon/child
You’re probably going to cover this more in the next post, but one expense that you don’t have for your kids that a lot of parent do is daycare. Where I live you can’t find infant/toddler care for less than $120 a week and full time daycare/preschool is around $100. During the summer when I pay full time care for 2 kids I pay $900 in daycare cost ALONE.
I work school hours so during the school year I only pay for the younger one to be at daycare, but even that is $480 for just 1 child to be in care while I work. That goes a long way toward your figure of $950/month.
I wish I didn’t have to work, but my job provides the health insurance and my hubby’s wont cover dependants. So there really isnt a choice.
More on point with this topic, I wish I could have a big family! I always wanted 6 kids. But my 2 are all I can handle! I don’t have the temprament I know is required to have a lot of kids. I’ve always loved the efficiency that comes with big families. The children learn self reliance and how to work with people. I don’t see many draw backs to the big families.
I can’t imagine that the attempt by Women’s Health to capitalize on the Octo-Mom backlash will be well received.
Does this mean that the publication is implying that folks who do not use contraception for cultural or religious reasons are intellectually or socially disturbed?
And besides, having any children at all is crazy. I only have the socially accepted quota (two girls) and I feel totally psychotic and my house is a mess. At least if I had more kids I would have some more help cleaning up…
Uh, Ron…not to burst your bubble, but my 2 extra kids are not exactly more help cleaning up. They are, however, excellent at making messes.
OK, that’s not entirely true. My older kids do help pick up toys, unload the dishwasher, put away their dishes, help with the lawn, etc. Somehow, though, my house is still a mess!
Jennifer: I guess I am pretty lucky—my two year old thinks mopping, sweeping and “clean up” time is great fun. Of course, my one year old thinks throwing oatmeal is fun, too, so I see what you mean…
Christina: I definitely think the daycare issue needs to be addressed. For what it’s worth, you should feel lucky—we pay over $450/month for our oldest daughter to go to daycare only TWO days per week. And don’t get me started on the horrors of her two previous daycare experiences (which weren’t much cheaper).
SO right, Ron. Having any children at all IS crazy. Having a bunch of them is insane. I often, too, feel like I am going to go completely mad, especially when I emerge from my office and see the tornado-like aftermath my children have turned my house into.
But Jenny is right too. Having more kids does not mean more help cleaning up, necessarily. It does, however, mean more mess. Perhaps it balances itself out if everyone picks up their mess, but keeping on top of that can be a nightmare too. Sigh.
Christina, other than the crazy messes more children make, I think in some ways it’s not that different to have 2 or 4. They all play with each other anyway.
However, I do think there are plenty of people who just aren’t cut out to have a bunch and that’s totally fine. We’re all so different. It is a lot of work, a lot of money (even though I’ve figured out great ways to save dollars) and a LOT of noise.
All those years as a high school teacher made me good at delegating authority—keeping other people on task is much easier than keeping myself on task, I think.
Of course, I also found Lila surrounded by a giant mound of a tissues, amazed by the magic of the box… pull one out and POOF! Another appears! Pull one out, another one appears! It took two minutes to annihilate a whole box of Kleenex.
Ron, you really brought back the memories for me with the tissue story! All my kids did that with tissues. It was SO frustrating!
At that age, they also loved to rip up magazines, so I’d give them one or two to tear apart. The fun they had and the time it kept them entertained was well worth the clean-up. =)