Comments on: Trying to do it all http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/09/30/trying-to-do-it-all/ flexibility in raising kids Wed, 08 Sep 2010 03:11:14 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Gillian http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/09/30/trying-to-do-it-all/comment-page-1/#comment-7055 Gillian Thu, 18 Mar 2010 09:18:17 +0000 http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/?p=2049#comment-7055 Wanting to please others is nice, but at what cost? It's not wise when it's at the expense of your own health and sanity. The guilt, resentment and stress will erode your health eventually and that's both mental and physical health I'm referring to. When you help others it's best to do it out of a genuine desire to gladly help when you truly do have the extra time. No one even likes receiving help from someone who's resentful about helping (not that you are resentful, but too much of this over-doing can get you resentful in time.) At least you're aware that you have difficulty saying no. That's great, awareness is the first step. I don't know if you have an exercise and nutrition routine of your own. Taking care of one's health is first and foremost, and moms especially need to put their health/fitness/wellness first, before anything else they do for themselves or for others. Moms are especially vulnerable to taking on too much and running their health down as a result. IT IS NOT WORTH IT!! I don't know how old you are but at some point you'll enter the perimenopausal phase of your life. Perimenopause can be a 10-15 year time span before your period actually stops permanently (menopause.) Perimenopause can start as early as 38 yrs. old. Well, during perimenopause, there can be a ton of unpleasant symptoms, emotional and physical. I guess the worse you've taken care of yourself, the harsher the symptoms can be. If you do way too much you are at risk for burning your hormones out. So if you go through perimenopause already burned out, it is quite difficult. And you'll be more than just annoyed. You may be surprised at the anger and resentment you experience -- it is really powerful at that time. A quote from Dixie Mills, MD at www.womentowomen.com, "Menopause can be a very angry time, and women find that they no longer feel guilty about expressing the rage they may have been repressing for the last 30 years." But you can weather perimenopause/menopause a whole lot better when you are in good health, and when you have taken care of yourself all along. So for the sake of now and for the sake of going through perimenopause and menopause later, (if you're not already there), you have to give yourself permission to treat your spirit and body with loving kindness by taking care of your health, nourishing yourself and nurturing yourself, cutting out what you can't manage and managing unhealthy stress. Yes people may be angry when you tell them no but that's THEIR choice; it's THEIR problem and THEIR anger will erode THEIR health, not yours. And if they give you any flak, you don't have to listen to it. People will also learn to respect you when you say no. Maybe they'll grumble at first but they'll get used to it or find someone else. No matter what kind of work a human being does, they need time away from that work. No one can go constantly. They need to eat, de-stress, rest, rejuvenate, renew. The only way to not do work is to say no. Say no to that which you don't HAVE to do. Be honest with "have to" vs. "want to". It's okay to even take a year off from some things. When you're renewed after however long, you can pick up more activities again. This is for you, and your kids will also be thankful for a happy and healthy mother. God Bless. Wanting to please others is nice, but at what cost? It’s not wise when it’s at the expense of your own health and sanity. The guilt, resentment and stress will erode your health eventually and that’s both mental and physical health I’m referring to. When you help others it’s best to do it out of a genuine desire to gladly help when you truly do have the extra time. No one even likes receiving help from someone who’s resentful about helping (not that you are resentful, but too much of this over-doing can get you resentful in time.) At least you’re aware that you have difficulty saying no. That’s great, awareness is the first step. I don’t know if you have an exercise and nutrition routine of your own. Taking care of one’s health is first and foremost, and moms especially need to put their health/fitness/wellness first, before anything else they do for themselves or for others. Moms are especially vulnerable to taking on too much and running their health down as a result. IT IS NOT WORTH IT!! I don’t know how old you are but at some point you’ll enter the perimenopausal phase of your life. Perimenopause can be a 10-15 year time span before your period actually stops permanently (menopause.) Perimenopause can start as early as 38 yrs. old. Well, during perimenopause, there can be a ton of unpleasant symptoms, emotional and physical. I guess the worse you’ve taken care of yourself, the harsher the symptoms can be. If you do way too much you are at risk for burning your hormones out. So if you go through perimenopause already burned out, it is quite difficult. And you’ll be more than just annoyed. You may be surprised at the anger and resentment you experience — it is really powerful at that time. A quote from Dixie Mills, MD at http://www.womentowomen.com, “Menopause can be a very angry time, and women find that they no longer feel guilty about expressing the rage they may have been repressing for the last 30 years.” But you can weather perimenopause/menopause a whole lot better when you are in good health, and when you have taken care of yourself all along. So for the sake of now and for the sake of going through perimenopause and menopause later, (if you’re not already there), you have to give yourself permission to treat your spirit and body with loving kindness by taking care of your health, nourishing yourself and nurturing yourself, cutting out what you can’t manage and managing unhealthy stress. Yes people may be angry when you tell them no but that’s THEIR choice; it’s THEIR problem and THEIR anger will erode THEIR health, not yours. And if they give you any flak, you don’t have to listen to it. People will also learn to respect you when you say no. Maybe they’ll grumble at first but they’ll get used to it or find someone else. No matter what kind of work a human being does, they need time away from that work. No one can go constantly. They need to eat, de-stress, rest, rejuvenate, renew. The only way to not do work is to say no. Say no to that which you don’t HAVE to do. Be honest with “have to” vs. “want to”. It’s okay to even take a year off from some things. When you’re renewed after however long, you can pick up more activities again. This is for you, and your kids will also be thankful for a happy and healthy mother. God Bless.

]]> By: Pat http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/09/30/trying-to-do-it-all/comment-page-1/#comment-7045 Pat Thu, 18 Mar 2010 00:52:53 +0000 http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/?p=2049#comment-7045 I see you commented on your love of your farmhouse and unwillingness to downsize -- then I guess I don't understand why it's on your original list of complaints. I'd say the house is one thing you would put on your list of things to keep in your life and speak of it lovingly, rather than speaking of it as the ball and chain it sounds like in your original "trying to do it all" post. So, then onto the next item in your life that you could change or let go of...and on and on. But only if you're willing to make changes. Or, there is always the option of making no changes and staying miserable and frazzled! It's whatever's important to you. I see you commented on your love of your farmhouse and unwillingness to downsize — then I guess I don’t understand why it’s on your original list of complaints. I’d say the house is one thing you would put on your list of things to keep in your life and speak of it lovingly, rather than speaking of it as the ball and chain it sounds like in your original “trying to do it all” post. So, then onto the next item in your life that you could change or let go of…and on and on. But only if you’re willing to make changes. Or, there is always the option of making no changes and staying miserable and frazzled! It’s whatever’s important to you.

]]> By: Jill http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/09/30/trying-to-do-it-all/comment-page-1/#comment-7044 Jill Thu, 18 Mar 2010 00:29:33 +0000 http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/?p=2049#comment-7044 For Sarah Ludwig on the topic of TRYING TO DO IT ALL, there is so, so much literature out there dealing with this problem you're having of "doing too much." There's tons on the problem of specifically women doing too much. This is such an old problem. Fortunately, there are women and men who've found, or are finding, a way to better balance their lives. And you can too. It's not luck. It's within each person's control to make their priorities and to take care of their life so that it's more balanced. There are numerous books on boundary setting. Your question of "how do you take inventory and decide what has to go?" It's just that YES you do take inventory and decide what needs to go. HOW? Just start doing it. It will take a lot of thinking of priorities and it can start with making a list. You may need to find out where you're having trouble saying no to things. And it absolutely takes moving out of the victim mentality (acting as if everything is controlling you), and focusing instead on what you want and taking responsibility for yourself. You have to make the choice to move out of the victim role and into a role of being in charge of your life -- it's taking responsibility for your own life. Focusing on the negative by discussing it repeatedly, and focusing how everything is controlling you is defininitely the way to stay stuck and for nothing to improve. And it gives you the excuse to do nothing about your problems. Unfortunately, talking of your problems is focusing on your problems, and that will absolutely keep you mired in those problems. You have to let them go and take responsibility. Focus on what you WANT and discuss that, rather than focusing on what you DO NOT want because we get what we focus on, even if we don't want it. Positive thinking (of what you do want) along with positive action has to replace the complaining. So again, focus on what you do want and take small concrete steps to get there. The biggest thing though is that shift in attitude that you'll need to make; the one where you believe that you yourself are in charge of your schedule/life. It's a conscious choice/shift, and then it just takes commitment and a lot of work to stick with it. Believe or not, your life is the way it is because you allow it to be. By that I mean you've said yes to things you may not be able to do, and perhaps failed to take action in other areas. You have a huge house because at some point you said "yes" to that house. Which is fine because at one point it did fit your needs. If it no longer serves you well, let it go and find one that better fits your needs. You've been in charge all along -- you just need to realize that. It's not always easy to take responsibility for your life but it's worth it. A bonus is that your kids will learn to be positive and in charge of their lives from you modeling that. I'm getting a charge out of even sharing this with you because I've had the same dilemma and have been working on it, and as I share what I've learned it's reinforcing what I need to keep doing. Try reading some of these self-help books that are on exactly this topic. You may even benefit greatly from just reading one or two. Best! For Sarah Ludwig on the topic of TRYING TO DO IT ALL, there is so, so much literature out there dealing with this problem you’re having of “doing too much.” There’s tons on the problem of specifically women doing too much. This is such an old problem. Fortunately, there are women and men who’ve found, or are finding, a way to better balance their lives. And you can too. It’s not luck. It’s within each person’s control to make their priorities and to take care of their life so that it’s more balanced. There are numerous books on boundary setting. Your question of “how do you take inventory and decide what has to go?” It’s just that YES you do take inventory and decide what needs to go. HOW? Just start doing it. It will take a lot of thinking of priorities and it can start with making a list. You may need to find out where you’re having trouble saying no to things. And it absolutely takes moving out of the victim mentality (acting as if everything is controlling you), and focusing instead on what you want and taking responsibility for yourself. You have to make the choice to move out of the victim role and into a role of being in charge of your life — it’s taking responsibility for your own life. Focusing on the negative by discussing it repeatedly, and focusing how everything is controlling you is defininitely the way to stay stuck and for nothing to improve. And it gives you the excuse to do nothing about your problems. Unfortunately, talking of your problems is focusing on your problems, and that will absolutely keep you mired in those problems. You have to let them go and take responsibility. Focus on what you WANT and discuss that, rather than focusing on what you DO NOT want because we get what we focus on, even if we don’t want it. Positive thinking (of what you do want) along with positive action has to replace the complaining. So again, focus on what you do want and take small concrete steps to get there. The biggest thing though is that shift in attitude that you’ll need to make; the one where you believe that you yourself are in charge of your schedule/life. It’s a conscious choice/shift, and then it just takes commitment and a lot of work to stick with it. Believe or not, your life is the way it is because you allow it to be. By that I mean you’ve said yes to things you may not be able to do, and perhaps failed to take action in other areas. You have a huge house because at some point you said “yes” to that house. Which is fine because at one point it did fit your needs. If it no longer serves you well, let it go and find one that better fits your needs. You’ve been in charge all along — you just need to realize that. It’s not always easy to take responsibility for your life but it’s worth it. A bonus is that your kids will learn to be positive and in charge of their lives from you modeling that. I’m getting a charge out of even sharing this with you because I’ve had the same dilemma and have been working on it, and as I share what I’ve learned it’s reinforcing what I need to keep doing. Try reading some of these self-help books that are on exactly this topic. You may even benefit greatly from just reading one or two. Best!

]]> By: sarah http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/09/30/trying-to-do-it-all/comment-page-1/#comment-1836 sarah Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:40:32 +0000 http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/?p=2049#comment-1836 Kathy, as usual, you have a wonderful response to my dilemma. You're so practical. =) I think cutting some stuff out is going to have to be a step I take, though I know it's not going to go over well with certain people. That's part of my problem -- I have a very hard time saying no to things because I hate to disappoint anyone. My girls do know how to do laundry and did a lot of it this summer. I don't think I trust the boys yet and since our dryer is in the basement, I definitely wouldn't trust them to carry a load of wet clothes down all those steps. Maybe when the activities slow down a bit (in another month) we'll be able to keep a more tolerable routine/schedule. Sigh. This doesn't, of course, bode well for junior high and high school though. Home schooling is looking more than appealing these days... Thanks for the thoughts! ~S Kathy, as usual, you have a wonderful response to my dilemma. You’re so practical. =)

I think cutting some stuff out is going to have to be a step I take, though I know it’s not going to go over well with certain people. That’s part of my problem — I have a very hard time saying no to things because I hate to disappoint anyone.

My girls do know how to do laundry and did a lot of it this summer. I don’t think I trust the boys yet and since our dryer is in the basement, I definitely wouldn’t trust them to carry a load of wet clothes down all those steps. Maybe when the activities slow down a bit (in another month) we’ll be able to keep a more tolerable routine/schedule. Sigh.

This doesn’t, of course, bode well for junior high and high school though. Home schooling is looking more than appealing these days…

Thanks for the thoughts!

~S

]]> By: sarah http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/09/30/trying-to-do-it-all/comment-page-1/#comment-1835 sarah Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:35:01 +0000 http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/?p=2049#comment-1835 Christina, yes, as I've replied to other comments as well, I've had my kids help out with chores. I could probably make my boys do a bit more than they do, but they are all up by 7 a.m. and don't get home until 4:15 p.m. or later. Then on a lot of days we have activities too. They don't get a lot of down time, so I hate to ask them to do anything. I did tons of chores growing up. My mom worked from the time I was 10-17, so I did the majority of the cleaning, while my sister did all the cooking. I'm no stranger to chores. ;) I believe kids should absolutely help out. It's just part of living in a family. Thanks for your suggestions! ~S Christina, yes, as I’ve replied to other comments as well, I’ve had my kids help out with chores. I could probably make my boys do a bit more than they do, but they are all up by 7 a.m. and don’t get home until 4:15 p.m. or later. Then on a lot of days we have activities too. They don’t get a lot of down time, so I hate to ask them to do anything.

I did tons of chores growing up. My mom worked from the time I was 10-17, so I did the majority of the cleaning, while my sister did all the cooking. I’m no stranger to chores. ;) I believe kids should absolutely help out. It’s just part of living in a family.

Thanks for your suggestions!

~S

]]> By: sarah http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/09/30/trying-to-do-it-all/comment-page-1/#comment-1834 sarah Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:28:49 +0000 http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/?p=2049#comment-1834 Lisa, I totally hear you on scheduling appointments on the same day. I try to do that as well, but as you say, it doesn't always work. I think kids doing chores is necessary, but our problem during school, at least this year, has been that they really don't have time to do chores. On weekends they're usually at their dad's, so that leaves most of it to me. I want them to have a bit of down time, after all! Downsizing my house would help tremendously, but I love this big old farm house and hate to move the kids. Thanks for sharing! ~S Lisa, I totally hear you on scheduling appointments on the same day. I try to do that as well, but as you say, it doesn’t always work.

I think kids doing chores is necessary, but our problem during school, at least this year, has been that they really don’t have time to do chores. On weekends they’re usually at their dad’s, so that leaves most of it to me. I want them to have a bit of down time, after all!

Downsizing my house would help tremendously, but I love this big old farm house and hate to move the kids.

Thanks for sharing!

~S

]]> By: sarah http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/09/30/trying-to-do-it-all/comment-page-1/#comment-1833 sarah Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:25:12 +0000 http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/?p=2049#comment-1833 Great tips, Julie. It sounds like you're doing a great job helping your kids learn to be responsible. I wish it were as simple as having people help out with rides, carpooling, etc., but we live out in the country and those options really aren't there. My closest family is my sister, who lives an hour away, and the kids' dad's relatives all live fairly far away. In a rural area, people sort of look down on you when you ask for help, at least that's the impression I get (having grown up in the city myself). I've already had the girls miss several games (I mean, it's just 6th grade volleyball) and done a couple similar things to save my sanity, but I know it annoys other people. (Can you tell I'm a people pleaser??) As for chores, the kids do a lot of them in the summer time, but with school, they get so busy, it's hard to even find time to have them do chores! I think once volleyball is over, it'll be easier, but there's still piano and confirmation, plus all the homework they seem to accumulate every day. I'd have them do chores on weekends, but they're usually at their dad's. Clearly I need to think this through a bit more. Thanks again for your suggestions though. Very much appreciated! ~S Great tips, Julie. It sounds like you’re doing a great job helping your kids learn to be responsible.

I wish it were as simple as having people help out with rides, carpooling, etc., but we live out in the country and those options really aren’t there. My closest family is my sister, who lives an hour away, and the kids’ dad’s relatives all live fairly far away. In a rural area, people sort of look down on you when you ask for help, at least that’s the impression I get (having grown up in the city myself). I’ve already had the girls miss several games (I mean, it’s just 6th grade volleyball) and done a couple similar things to save my sanity, but I know it annoys other people. (Can you tell I’m a people pleaser??)

As for chores, the kids do a lot of them in the summer time, but with school, they get so busy, it’s hard to even find time to have them do chores! I think once volleyball is over, it’ll be easier, but there’s still piano and confirmation, plus all the homework they seem to accumulate every day. I’d have them do chores on weekends, but they’re usually at their dad’s. Clearly I need to think this through a bit more.

Thanks again for your suggestions though. Very much appreciated!

~S

]]> By: Julie Turner http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/09/30/trying-to-do-it-all/comment-page-1/#comment-1802 Julie Turner Mon, 05 Oct 2009 03:32:13 +0000 http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/?p=2049#comment-1802 Yeah, if I start to get overwhelmed, I ask my husband or kids to help. My 9 year old does 1 chore a day, unless we're falling behind, then I ask her to help with other things. She is responsible for making sure her schoolwork gets done. If I stood over her and tried to make sure she did her work, she would play dumb and ask questions about everything I say, even if she really does understand it. And, my almost 3 year old has been helping me pick up his toys since he was a year old. He even puts his dishes in the sink when he's finished eating. (I make sure not to give him breakable dishes!) I keep laundry baskets everywhere, and my 9 year old is responsible for making sure her clothes make it to the laundry room. If she waits until she has a full load in her basket, then she has to wash, dry, and fold them all herself. That seems to keep her from letting them pile up. I get my 2 year old to throw things away for me, or fetch things for me. He likes it! By no means do I have everything in balance, but we're getting there. I've had some trouble with my 9 year old working on schoolwork until dinnertime (and sometimes past) and then complaining about not having time to play. Finally, I told her she was required to play outside for an hour, weather permitting. If weather is bad, she plays inside for 1 hour without tv. And schoolwork is cut off at 6, so she can get a shower, eat, and get ready for bed. Now that she knows she doesn't have near as much time to do schoolwork, she doesn't dawdle nearly as much, and is usually done much earlier than 6. We've also added one day at the park each week, as long as schoolwork is kept up with. As far as other activities go, we can't really afford any right now. But I would try to keep each kid to 1 or 2 activities, and see if your kids can carpool with others to the activities a few times a week, maybe even swapping up. If you live near family, see if they can take your kids to some of their activities to give yourself a break. And if you start to slip into guilt, just remember, pioneer children were homeschooled and had to make their own toys and clothes, and they didn't have team sports or electricity either. They stayed busy with chores, much more chores than modern children, and yet somehow they did just fine in life, and learned more morals/values than most children today do. In fact, when I start going crazy, I fantasize about moving to a self-sustained farm with a small, electricity-free cottage. Of course, I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon, and I'd surely miss all the modern conveniences, but it still makes me feel better. Yeah, if I start to get overwhelmed, I ask my husband or kids to help. My 9 year old does 1 chore a day, unless we’re falling behind, then I ask her to help with other things. She is responsible for making sure her schoolwork gets done. If I stood over her and tried to make sure she did her work, she would play dumb and ask questions about everything I say, even if she really does understand it. And, my almost 3 year old has been helping me pick up his toys since he was a year old. He even puts his dishes in the sink when he’s finished eating. (I make sure not to give him breakable dishes!) I keep laundry baskets everywhere, and my 9 year old is responsible for making sure her clothes make it to the laundry room. If she waits until she has a full load in her basket, then she has to wash, dry, and fold them all herself. That seems to keep her from letting them pile up. I get my 2 year old to throw things away for me, or fetch things for me. He likes it! By no means do I have everything in balance, but we’re getting there. I’ve had some trouble with my 9 year old working on schoolwork until dinnertime (and sometimes past) and then complaining about not having time to play. Finally, I told her she was required to play outside for an hour, weather permitting. If weather is bad, she plays inside for 1 hour without tv. And schoolwork is cut off at 6, so she can get a shower, eat, and get ready for bed. Now that she knows she doesn’t have near as much time to do schoolwork, she doesn’t dawdle nearly as much, and is usually done much earlier than 6. We’ve also added one day at the park each week, as long as schoolwork is kept up with. As far as other activities go, we can’t really afford any right now. But I would try to keep each kid to 1 or 2 activities, and see if your kids can carpool with others to the activities a few times a week, maybe even swapping up. If you live near family, see if they can take your kids to some of their activities to give yourself a break. And if you start to slip into guilt, just remember, pioneer children were homeschooled and had to make their own toys and clothes, and they didn’t have team sports or electricity either. They stayed busy with chores, much more chores than modern children, and yet somehow they did just fine in life, and learned more morals/values than most children today do. In fact, when I start going crazy, I fantasize about moving to a self-sustained farm with a small, electricity-free cottage. Of course, I don’t think that’s gonna happen anytime soon, and I’d surely miss all the modern conveniences, but it still makes me feel better.

]]> By: Jennifer Fink http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/09/30/trying-to-do-it-all/comment-page-1/#comment-1801 Jennifer Fink Sun, 04 Oct 2009 22:49:59 +0000 http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/?p=2049#comment-1801 I'll be following this thread carefully! Need some tips! I’ll be following this thread carefully! Need some tips!

]]> By: Lisa http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/09/30/trying-to-do-it-all/comment-page-1/#comment-1784 Lisa Sat, 03 Oct 2009 17:24:28 +0000 http://www.parentingbytrialanderror.com/?p=2049#comment-1784 I'm also a mother of 4 children 18,13,9 and 2 they keep me very busy! from helping with school work,2 different sports activities and potty training i'm pretty busy with the kids.I also have to keep the house in order and help run a business.I try to do some house work in the morning.If i have running to do i try to schedule other appointments on the same day so i don't have to run everyday,but that don't always work out.When my kids come home from school they have to get homework done right away because there is cheer leading practice and football practice.Then i have to get dinner around when we get home.There are days when i feel like there's just not enough time to get things done! My kids would never help out around the house so we tried a chore list well lets just say that never worked out,so of course they would always want to go somewhere or have a friend over i would tell them no.Now we are trying something new at 8pm every night they have to ask if there is anything that needs done around the house and get it done. we feel kids should earn special privileges. I’m also a mother of 4 children 18,13,9 and 2 they keep me very busy! from helping with school work,2 different sports activities and potty training i’m pretty busy with the kids.I also have to keep the house in order and help run a business.I try to do some house work in the morning.If i have running to do i try to schedule other appointments on the same day so i don’t have to run everyday,but that don’t always work out.When my kids come home from school they have to get homework done right away because there is cheer leading practice and football practice.Then i have to get dinner around when we get home.There are days when i feel like there’s just not enough time to get things done! My kids would never help out around the house so we tried a chore list well lets just say that never worked out,so of course they would always want to go somewhere or have a friend over i would tell them no.Now we are trying something new at 8pm every night they have to ask if there is anything that needs done around the house and get it done. we feel kids should earn special privileges.

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