If you are unfamiliar with the Type-A personality, I found a fairly succinct, albeit rather simplistic, definition: “Temperament characterized by excessive ambitiousness, aggressiveness, competitiveness, drive, impatience, need for control, focus on quantity over quality and unrealistic sense of urgency.”
Wow. Did the author of this sentence have Andie in the forefront of his/her mind when he/she wrote this? Because I tell you what, that describes her to a tee. Well, with the exception of the “aggressiveness” part.
Unfortunately for Andie, my depression six years ago sort of kicked her need for control into overdrive and it has shown no signs of abating. When I was so down that I could barely get myself out of bed, it was Andie who took over. Being the temporary mom fed her desire to run the show, a role that she has been fighting me for since she was able to talk.
While my illness soothed her desire to control everything in her environment, it also put her into a role that she neither needed nor understood at that young an age. She was the perfect candidate for the job and she did it admirably, especially for only being five years old, but I feel horribly guilty for putting that burden on her shoulders.
Even now, years later, I often overhear Andie slip into “Mom mode” when she thinks I’m not listening, but because she is so impatient and feeling that “unrealistic sense of urgency,” she is not only bossy, but mean in her desperation to get her siblings to do what she wants. This happens most often when we’re getting ready to go somewhere and are on a deadline. She cannot resist making sure everyone, including me, is getting ready and barking orders at Rachel and the boys. “Did you brush your hair yet? Go brush it! Boys, get in the bathroom and brush your teeth!”
I want to help Andie learn to relax and enjoy the small things, especially because I think my sickness helped push her over the edge. The tendencies that she had before my depression are no longer just tendencies and have manifested themselves as habits now. Sometimes I have to talk to her quite seriously to get her to back down in her now self-appointed role as mother’s helper. Giving up control and just being a kid is extremely difficult for Andie, especially now that she’s had the experience of being thrust into the partial role of parent. Even though that was long ago, it stayed with her, a part of the fabric that has woven her into the person she is today.
Andie is an unusual girl. Her weaknesses are also her strengths. I am incredibly blessed to have her as a daughter. She is strong, confident, thoughtful, kind, sensitive to others, helpful and loving. She cleans the house without my asking, takes care of her brothers without complaint, steps up to help whenever I need her to, practices her flute and piano without ever having to be reminded, does her homework with absolutely no prodding. She even tells me what a great mom I am, though I know that my Type-B ways drive her mad sometimes.
Though my depression may have strengthened some less-desirable characteristics in her, it also made her undeniably stronger. The trick now is to help her find a balance between taking too much weight, stress and responsibility on herself and meeting her need to control some aspects of her life.
Wish me luck.
Don’t blame your depression, without such a curve in our road, my oldest daughter exhibits many of the traits you describe as well… to the extent that it was recommended that we take some responsibility away from her & give it to #2 child…but she’ll hardly hear of it!LOL
Another great and insightful series of posts (and also sad, of course). It’s been so great getting to know you again.
I think you may be worrying too much. Don’t change her!! Amanda, now 16, is a type A and it is WONDERFUL. She always has her responsibilities taken care of; she is an excellent student; etc. etc. etc. Amanda is also bossy to her siblings; but it has its benefits. Sometimes siblings listen better to each other when it comes to certain issues. Kate is starting to look to Amanda for advice also. What’s wrong with that? When I hear Amanda talk to her siblings in a way that makes me cringe; I REMIND Amanda that she needs to use better tactfulness; or be more accepting of others ideas; etc. I guide her perseverance; not hold it back; or try to shut it down. I look at their personalities as God’s gifts; and we are there to focus them for Good and not Evil! Good Luck! And please don’t blame your depression on their personalities; cuz its a lot more about nature than you think!
Jo, I’m not trying to change her at all, believe me! I love her personality in most ways. She’s a super-easy child.
HOWEVER, I worry about her because she makes herself sick over everything and gets very stressed out. I know that’s her personality, but I’m trying to teach her how to relax, not worry so much and to think about other people’s feelings more. Just like you said.
So, basically, I agree with everything you said. =)
Aw, thanks, Josh!
Hi Stephanie, thanks for your comment. I don’t think my depression caused her personality, but I think it made her more worried and needful of control than she may have been otherwise. I could be wrong, maybe she would have been this way anyhow. I just think that the whole experience was particularly hard on her because she tends to take as much responsibility as she’s allowed upon herself.
And I know what you mean about giving some responsibility to #2 — we’ve got the same thing going on here.
When my dad died I became a parent of sorts to my mom, who was very depressed and sad. I’d turn off songs that made her cry. I’d try and cheer her up. I was all of six at the time. And all that care made me the person and the mom I am today.
Don’t stress too much over this. It’s who she is. She would have been that way depression or no depression, I promise you.
–KB
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And, I agree, ‘they’ do tend to take things too seriously sometimes; and I remember saying those same things to Amanda. They do need to be reminded to relax. Things like music and art help with that, and you have been able to give her those options as well. You are doing a great job with her; and all your kids. You are “in tune” with them; that is great! If she is anything like mine; she will be more mature; and get bored with childlike behavior. But, once in awhile, she will ‘act her age’ and it will remind you that she is still your wonderful ‘child’!!
I think I understand what you’re saying … you don’t want her to take on the weight of the world just because she can.
I think it’s great that you’re trying to get her to relax more and just be. A lot of parents would just take advantage of her personality and pile on more responsibilities.
Hang in there!
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