…but life has just basically gotten in the way. It has a tendency to do that on occasion, leaving a person feeling stripped, empty and devoid of energy or gumption of any sort.
I took the kids to say goodbye to their grandma tonight. She is basically asleep most of the time and can’t talk or see anymore, though she did squeeze people’s hands in recognition here and there. Her kidneys have shut down, so it is just a matter of a small amount of time now. It was heartbreaking to see her lying there, so lifeless and fragile, but the upside is that we will all be glad to see her out of whatever suffering she may be going through.
My three older kids spent the majority of the time sitting next to her on the bed, holding her hand, crying and telling her what a great grandma she is and how much they love her. Logan brought his Leapster along, so he was entertained enough during the visit. He understands, as well as an almost-six-year-old can, that she is going to die soon and some days it saddens him greatly, but he seemed more frightened of her tonight than anything. She certainly didn’t look like the grandma he remembers. He did hold her hand for a bit and whispered, “Grandma, it’s Logan,” in her ear.
I can barely wrap my mind around the emptiness her loss is going to leave. While it’s comforting to know that she’ll be in a better place, adjusting to life without her is going to be incredibly difficult. It’s amazing how far-reaching the circles of one person’s life stretch, how many people that life touches and how unaware we are of just exactly its impact until it’s gone.
I suspect that it’s the little things that will inspire the most tears as we adjust: Family gatherings without her family-famous crispy chicken strips, never-to-be-replicated taco meat and the constant sight of her in the background, walking around with one of her infant grandchildren while the rest of us eat; the way she made everything around her peaceful and serene; her teeny, carefully-tended summer strawberries that exploded in juicy sweetness beyond description in one’s mouth; how she pushed her grandchildren in the swings for hours in the backyard, singing songs to them; the generosity and sweetness of spirit she showed to everyone she met; the way her house always felt like a second home, with space, love and necessities in abundance.
I feel so blessed to have known her for all the years I did, to have the many memories I do and most importantly, to have had modeled so well the way a woman should be in spirit and demeanor. I said it before, but it must be said again: This world will be a much sadder, emptier place without her.
Go in peace and love, Carmen.
Sarah,
Our thoughts and prayers are with you all. We also pray that Carmen goes in peace and without suffering. You couldn’t have put it any better when you wrote that, “her generosity and sweetness of spirit she showed to everyone she met.” She will be missed by all whose lives she has touched.
She will truly be missed. My prayers are with you all. If there is anything you need, please call. Heaven continues to be a better place when our most precious loved ones are called home. Joy will fill your hearts again soon… Take care.
I am so sorry for your family. You have been blessed to be touched by such an amazing sounding woman. May her beauty carry you through the hard moments and inspire you to share the gifts she has given each of you. I wish you peace as you go through this.
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I had the world’s best grandmother too, so I am able to relate to what you are going through. Your posts on the topic are touching. Big hugs for all of you.
Thank you for this beautiful post on a difficult subject. I’m so sorry to hear what your family’s going through. This reminded me very much of saying goodbye to my Papa (grandfather), though I was older than your kids then- saying goodbye was so difficult, but I’m still glad I got that chance.
I’m glad you have so many happy memories of her. It will make those family gatherings harder for a while, but I hope there will be joy for you all when you remember together.
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My dad died 7 years ago. It was the hardest thing that I ever went through. Your post is a beautiful tribute. Please keep blogging. Talking about it does help, in time.
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I read this when you first wrote it and I cried terribly. Now a couple months after Carmen’s passing I happened to read it again and am still crying. I loved Carmen so much, I hope she can live on in all of us alittle bit. I know I’ll never be 1/2 the person she was, but I’m gonna try to be a better person because of her. I told her in the hospital the 2nd to last time I saw her that if I do go back to school for nursing, which now I know I am, I will dedicate it to her and of course grandma Holsing (the two nurses of the family). I don’t know how to explain it, but since her passing I’ve also been more religious if that makes sense. I read the book “90 Minutes in Heaven” and absolutely loved it, made me feel more at peace with having a loved one die. Even though if I do lose someone really close to me like my mom, I think it might take awhile to get used to, it’s never an easy thing to deal with. But that book was super inspirational, assuming it’s all true. Love You Sarah.