My family of origin would never in a gazillion years say, “I love you” to each other. We rarely hug as adults, and certainly never did as kids. Of course I love my sisters, dearly, but could I ever tell them that?
Not in this lifetime.
Honestly, it makes me sad that I can’t. It should be a normal part of any long-term, close relationship, shouldn’t it?
I don’t know why my parents didn’t say these words to us, but evidently it was hard for them. Because I felt a gaping hole from the lack of hearing it, I pushed through the discomfort and awkwardness that came with telling my newborn twins that I loved them and said it over and over and over again, until it felt natural. Now I tell my kids that I love them at least a couple times a day, always when they leave for school and before bed, and never does it feel strange. I even tell my nephews and nieces that I love them.
I’m so grateful that my kids can say it to each other with no mortification or embarrassment; that their relationships, though at times messy and conflicted, are overall loving and supportive. I’m proud when I hear them express their love freely to their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
What about you? Do you tell your kids you love them?
I grew up in a family that rarely showed any affection towards each other. Hugs? no hugs no kisses no I love you’s
When my mom got ill with early onset alzheimers a few years back I made sure to tell her that I loved her whenever I talked to her or saw her; at first it was difficult but it did get easier. I also forced hugs on her lol She didn’t like it but I think she hugged me for my sake.
We found out that she had stage 4 bowel cancer that had matasticised (sp) to her liver on Sept 30 last year and while she was in hospital and in hospice I was so glad that I had made the effort to tell her how much I loved her. My brother didn’t touch her at all while she was in hospital, nothing.
My kids are able to tell me they love me as well, so I’m super glad that I was able to raise them to have that ability.
I do tell my child all the time, but my family growing up was similar to yours. My brother and I say I love you every now and then. It feels great! My sister and I never do. For years, I felt incredibly strange saying it to my parents. It still feels odd, sadly. Thank you for discussing something important that no one talks about!
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I could have written this post. Except for the part about the twins.
None of my grandparents on either side (and possibly their parents before them) were “touchy-feely” nor verbal. In fact, my mom says that she doesn’t remember her mother *ever* touching her (although she has a picture of them posed for a family picture with her mother’s hand on her shoulder). It has been hard to break that habit, but I’m determined to.
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I say it to them everyday. Maybe you could send this blog post to your sisters.
I do!
It was only a few weeks before my Dad died that we actually said “I Love You!” to each other. My Dad’s family were very distant and never shared any kind of personal closeness.
Although I was very lucky, my Mom’s family were very affectionate, so I picked that up from that side of my family. So I have told my son that “I Love You!” everyday of his life, he is almost twelve now…
I think it is very important to tell your children that you love them, my time with my dad was very important to me though it could/should have happened sooner. So if there is someone you need to say this to, there is no time to soon to say “I Love You!”
@Andrea–I’m one of the sisters.
We’ve discussed this amongst ourselves numerous times, so reading this blog post was no surprise to me. I too have made sure that within my immediate family, we use the “L” word a lot, but yeah, I still can’t bring myself to say it to my sisters and parents.
Another difficulty for me is that when I married my husband 10 years ago, his family is very loving and open. His parents would say it to me and I couldn’t bear to say it back. I’m sure they thought I was terribly cold, but it’s a very hard thing to say when you haven’t been brought up to say it.
Oh Sarah,
I never knew that about your childhood, wouldn’t have expected that coming from a pastor’s family. You are so lucky to be a part of the Rausch family. That’s probably the best thing that could’ve happened to you as far as showing affection goes. The Holsing girls and g & g Holsing are all so affectionate.
My dad’s side isn’t so much affectionate at all. I do hug them when I leave a family gathering now just because I think it’s important but I think it’s awkward for them, not all of them but some of them.
The Holsing side has always been so open and caring. Just makes you feel warm and fuzzy, if you know what I mean. Whenever we went to a family gathering when we were little and Cheryl & Jerry came it was always so nice so hear them as they walked in the door, “Merry Christmas or Happy Thanksgiving!!” Just could feel the love in their presence and made me want to be like them.
Rendell’s family is also not so affectionate. Although his mom is very sensitive like me and can cry pretty easily when something hits her just right. He has 3 sisters and none of them are huggy at all. His dad will hug me jokingly every once in awhile but it kinda feels awkward to me because I don’t know if he’s just joking or really meaningful, so I don’t really hug him back which is kinda bad on my part. I try to at least hug his mom on Mother’s Day for sure because I don’t think she gets a hug from the rest of her kid’s and I think that is sad.
When I tell my dad I love him on the phone or when we are home and he goes to bed or I go to bed I usually tell him I love him and he usually always says back, “You too!!” Doesn’t ever actually say the words, “I love you.” I think he wasn’t brought up with that type of feeling either so it’s still awkward for him. That’s why I’m so thankful for my mom’s side. Sometimes I think I’m overly sensitive and emotional but I guess that’s better then having no emotion or holding all of my feelings in.
I’ve always said you seem (are) such a wonderful mother to your children. I think your doing such a good job with your kids. They will all grow up and be just fine no matter what they are exposed to and I think it will be because they know their mom loves them and would do anything for them and that means the world to a child!! Love You Sarah!!
I say it at the end of every phone conversation or im I have with my kids, and they are grown up now, 35, 38 and 40. They say it back to me, or sometimes they initiate it. I know some people don’t say it enough, can’t use the words for some reason. But, hey, that’s what words are for, to express emotion.
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Yes, it can be hard to break that habit, but it’s definitely worth it. I think everyone needs to hear that they’re loved once in awhile.
Yes, I also had a lot of trouble when I got married. When my in-laws would say “I love you,” my whole body would freeze and I’d feel myself flushing from head to toe. To say it was uncomfortable would be the understatement of the millennium. I can say it back now without choking, but I still feel awkward and a little embarrassed sometimes. They’re such an affectionate, loving family though, I had to get over my qualms and just do it.
Awww, Summer, that’s so sweet of you! You’re a good mom too and your kids are lucky to have you.
My parents’ families of origin are both very loving and affectionate, as is my dad, though not verbally. His dad wasn’t verbally affectionate either, so I’m sure that’s where he got that. My aunts and grandma say “I love you” though. I’m sure some of it is learned and some of it is personality.
I think it’s great that you are affectionate with members of your family who may not be. It forces them out of their comfort zone a bit. It doesn’t hurt to be known as an affectionate person either, right? =)
Well said, Dylan! Life is too short to have a host of regrets.
Johanna, I’m wondering how you and your brother started saying “I love you” when you didn’t grow up in a family that did. How were you able to break that pattern? I’m very curious! Was it awkward or did it just sort of happen gradually?
Anne, that’s such a good illustration of why it’s important to show our love for those we cherish. Good for you for telling your mom how you felt. It must have been very difficult, but I’m sure it was well worth the effort.
As a kid/teenager, I was very attracted to families that all piled together on the couch, hugged and expressed verbal and physical affection. My favorite hang-out places growing up were always at friends’ houses who were like that. I’m a very physically expressive/affectionate person, so it always bothered me that no one in my family wanted to touch or even sit next to each other. I relished the closeness I could feel in my friends’ families.
One of the reasons I was so attracted to my ex-husband was his family, who were precisely like this and still are. I loved the affection, the openness, the love, the physical touch they all shared so naturally and it’s because of their influence that I have been able to provide that to my kids too.
Again, though, I think a lot of this can be personality because there are plenty of people who would be put off by all that affection, my mom included. It’s just too much for some and I guess we have to understand that.