Your Timer and You, from “Toss, Keep, Sell!”

By Leah Ingram

I’m a huge fan of timers. When my kids were little, I used timers to “prepare” them for any change in activity that they faced in the near future. For example, I would set the timer for 10 minutes because in 10 minutes it would be time to get dressed, get in the bath, or go to bed, for example. I often used the timer on our kitchen stove, which gave a final “beep” at the one-minute mark. And whenever that final “beep” occurred, I’d hear my girls yelling from wherever they were, “One minute!” Hey, at least they were paying attention.

Fast forward a bunch of years, and now my daughters understand how using a timer can help them stay focused on getting their homework done or cleaning their room. I, too, use my timer all the time, especially when it comes to tackling my home’s clutter.

That’s why in each chapter of my new book “Toss, Keep, Sell! The Suddenly Frugal Guide to Cleaning Out the Clutter and Cashing In” (Adams Media, 2010), I’ve created something I’m calling a “Quick Clutter Challenge.” Here’s how it works.

You set your timer for 15 minutes, and I challenge you to collect a certain kind of clutter.

Considering that we’ve all got kids in common, today’s guest blog post focuses on a “Quick Clutter Challenge” involving kids things.

I’m talking toys, games and books.

Chances are your kids’ playroom is cluttered with things they have grown out of. Well, guess what? Instead of collecting dust, you could be collecting some cold, hard cash for them–or at least trading them in for other stuff you need and can get for free.

So set your timer for 15 minutes and head into the playroom or your kids’ bedrooms. Find things that you know they’re just too old for, are still in good condition, and don’t hold any strong sentimental value. Again, focus on books, toys, and games only so you don’t overwhelm yourself.

Now that you’ve identified what you can get rid of, you have to decide: do I want to sell this? Do I want to swap this? Or, do I want to donate this?

Here are two places that can help you in this respect:

You can try your hand at kid-oriented consignment shops that give you cash on the spot, such as Plato’s Closet (Note: Plato’s Closet is geared more towards tweens and teens, even their books and DVDs.) (www.platoscloset.com)

You can swap their old books and movies at a site like PaperBackSwap, where you send away the books and DVDs you don’t want anymore, then bank your “points” so you can get books and movies in the future that you want for free. (www.paperbackswap.com).

Or you can donate them to a good cause of your choice and get a receipt you can use on your tax return.

Overall, you will end up with a neater playroom and maybe some extra cash in your wallet.

Copyright 2010 Leah Ingram, Reprinted with permission from Toss, Keep, Sell! The Suddenly Frugal Guide to Cleaning Out the Clutter and Cashing In (Adams Media, 2010)

I’m always in awe of parents who have the patience of Job—ones who have the ability to not only provide discipline in a calm, loving manner, but who also let their children get creative and crafty in their home on a regular basis without complaining about it.

I’m the first to admit I occasionally judge other parents, but many times I’m comparing myself to them: how good they are at A, B, C, or how they let their kids slide down the stairs on the couch cushions because it’s good, clean, indoor fun. When all I’d be thinking is, “Hey! That’s going to ruin my couch cushions!”

My children’s latest in-home craze is to build forts. Forts and kids go together like a runny nose and cold and flu season. When I was a child, building forts was one of my own favorite past times, and I have fond memories of playing in them on rainy days, peeking out from the sheet ceiling to watch the lightning. In this technological age you can even find directions on how to build a fort on the web, for kids who’d rather Google it than experiment by trial and error.

My children like to gather every unattached blanket and bed sheet in the house and proceed to create a fort that spans the entire downstairs living room. I remain upstairs silently grateful that the kids have been kept busy for at least an hour without fighting or needing a snack, but I’m fully aware that this brief moment in my day will have consequences and is simply the calm before the storm.

The cherubs then appear upstairs to beckon, “Come see the fort mom!” with excitement in their eyes, anticipating my enthusiastic response to their budding architectural skills. I wander downstairs with them, hand in hand, and look at the creation that’s given me a few quiet moments of respite.

It is times like these when my brain splits in two and I become the Sybil of myself, which is to say that there is the good mom response (GM) and there is the controlling woman response (CW), and I need a few seconds to make sure the correct persona is the only one speaking aloud.

GM: “Wow!” I exclaim. “What a huge fort! You could fit about 35 kids in that thing.”

CW: Seriously? I can’t even see the other side of the room! Are those the sheets from my bed? I just made that bed!

GM: “Boy howdy you kids are creative, using the craft wire to poke holes in the edges of the blankets so you could string it up to the drapery panels. I never would have thought of that! I can see you also used every book in the house to secure the edges of the sheets to the book shelves. And every Yankee Candle too. Just be careful that those don’t fall off and hurt your heads.”

CW: For the love of all that is good, they punctured my blankets with wire? And seriously? They used every book in the house as sheet weights? Wait’ll those books  fall on their heads, then they’ll learn.”

I restrain that controlling woman so only good mom speaks aloud, which inspires even more glee from the children who then ask, “Can we eat lunch in the fort? And watch a movie? Please please please please please?”

GM: “Why of course you can! That sounds like such fun! How ‘bout I make a picnic and bring it down here and you all can play in the fort while you wait? After lunch you can watch a movie, how’s that sound?”

CW: Fabulous. Now I’m going to have to vacuum bread crumbs and wipe peanut butter smudge off the carpet after they eat in there. And no doubt some kid is going to spill her drink. And they’re going to want popcorn with that movie. Ugh.

But I make lunch. And they joyfully eat it in the fort. Five minutes later, their lunch inhaled, they scurry upstairs to announce, “We’re going to go play next door. ‘K mom?”

GM: “Wait a minute. You kids need to go clean up downstairs before you leave. Make sure you fold everything back up and put away all the books.”

CW: And that room better look just like it did before you started.

They pick up, rush out the door in a Tazmanian whirlwind and I wait for the dust to settle momentarily. That eerie silence pierces my ears a few seconds. I relish this brief moment before I head downstairs to find what I know I’m going to find.

The blankets, “folded” in lumpy piles, that wouldn’t fit back into the closest even I used those vacuum suction bags. The furniture, misplaced and moved in various parts of the room. My books, still stacked on the shelves that held up the sheets. More books on the floor—along with packing tape, scissors, and bits of wire from previously held blanket corners. Lunch plates. Bread crust. At least there is no popcorn.

The whole thing is enough to give me a migraine. At moments such as these I really admire those parents who embrace this mess as part of childhood, pleased that their children were able to form fond memories of their youth–when they ate lunch in the tent-city sized fort downstairs. I wish I were more like them. I give myself a mental pat on the back for allowing only Good Mom to speak, although now that the children are gone, Controlling Woman is back and has a headache. I’m trying to channel the patience of Job, but it’s difficult. Perhaps I should build the fort back up and watch a movie.

Rachel Vidoni is a freelance writer and mediocre mom at best, as evidenced by the controlling woman that lives inside her head. If you’d like to tune in to read about her latest life mistakes or feel better about your own parenting skills, visit her blog at East Coast Musings.

Me: What’s your favorite part of school?

Sydney: Art, because I love to draw.

Me: What are you looking forward to most this summer?

Sydney: Camping at Storybook Land.

Me: Do you have a boyfriend?

Sydney: (Giggling) Not yet.

Me: I heard you got a new bike. Did you get to pick it out?

Sydney: Yes. It was between teal and white and white and purple. I chose the teal and white one.

Me: What do you think of your Grandpa Wambach?

Sydney: Awkward.  He yanks my pigtails.

Me: What’s your favorite color?

Sydney: Teal.

Me: Who’s your best friend?

Sydney: Heidi Deplazs

Me: What’s your favorite season?

Sydney: Summer!

Me: Why?

Sydney: Because you get to swim.

Me: What do you think of your Grandma Markovetz?

Sydney: I like her because she lets me have candy whenever I want.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Sydney: An art teacher.

Me: How much money do you think would make you rich?

Sydney: $1,000/month.

Me: How many teeth have you lost?

Sydney: 9.

Me: If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?

Sydney: Spend it on jewelry and a car and a Tahoe.

Conduct a mini-interview with your child and post it here. It’s always fun to hear kids’ innocent thoughts on life.

Read on to find out how to enter to win your own copy of The Secrets of Happy Families!

Earning Respect

It’s only natural that as individuals spend more time together, they will find things that irritate, annoy, or otherwise rub them the wrong way. That’s when the desire to act respectfully gets put to the test. Take this case as an example. One woman I see in my office had only recently recovered from a nearly deadly bout of pneumonia, so she promised her husband that she’d never smoke again. About a month after leaving the hospital, however, she began to go out during work breaks to sneak a puff or two on a cigarette with her friends. When her husband found out, he went ballistic! Did she still deserve respect after putting her life and the welfare of the family at risk again? It’s easy to see how he felt betrayed and how she probably felt belittled by his angry reaction.

Children, likewise, should be granted respect, but when a seventeen-year-old forgets to put gas in the family car, leaves the car stranded on the roadside when it inevitably runs dry and then takes off in a friend’s car to enjoy the rest of the night out, how are we able to demonstrate respect to this teen? When these conflicts arise, they threaten the foundation of a family — unless the underlying layer of respect can withstand the hit. And respect does not mean blanket acceptance of intolerable behavior. Respect doesn’t mean you have to like all aspects of any family member’s behavior. But respect does mean that you always treat all family members with dignity and seek a way to understand the world through their eyes.

So how should the husband of the woman who continued to smoke after he pneumonia express his anger and disappointment while still respecting his wife? How can parents let their teen know that irresponsible use of the family car is unacceptable, without showing disrespect for him as a human being? It’s not easy when the first thought that comes to mind sounds something like How can you be so stupid! But if the members of these families want to survive the argument and keep the core of the family strong, they’ll take a deep breath and remember to avoid the hostile responses found in the next Fair Fight Fact.

Want your very own copy of Secrets of Happy Families? Here’s how to enter for a chance to win one of these easy-to-read, engaging books:

TO ENTER:

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Giveaway ends at 11:59 Central Standard Time, Tuesday, August 18, 2009. Open to residents of the U.S. and Canada only. The winner will be chosen using random.org. Winner will have 72 hours to respond to notification with shipping info. If no response, another winner will be chosen.

Good luck!

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Have you entered the giveaway for Green to Grow baby products? Take a second to leave a comment to win!

Baby products are an $8.9 billion industry in the U.S., with hundreds of new products added to the lineup each year. With an ever increasing range of choices, and seemingly limitless options, shopping for a new baby can be daunting and expensive. Retailers and manufacturers are smart. They realize that new parents want the best for their baby and that they’re willing to shell out for the privilege. It’s no wonder that a typical middle-income family with one child in the U.S. will spend an average of $13,590 on baby’s first year alone!

“You can spend less, get better value, and still buy high-quality, safe products,” says Sandra Gordon, author of Consumer Reports Best Baby Products, (Tenth Edition). “And you don’t necessarily need to spend a bundle to get them.”

Gordon offers the following tips for making budget cuts that won’t compromise your baby’s safety, which should always be your top concern.

• Go with store-brand disposable diapers. Although Consumer Reports tests show that the name brands are the top-rated disposable diapers, because overall they tend to be more absorbent and fit better, you may find store brands more than adequate—and a cost cutter. You’ll save about 3 cents per diaper if, for example, you compare the cost of size 1 Par­ent’s Choice, Wal-Mart’s store-brand diapers, with Pampers, also size 1. Saving pennies per diaper may not seem like much, but with 10 changes per day (which is reasonable with an infant), you’d bank about $9 per month and $108 per year using the size 1 store brand diapers.

• Nix the convertible option when choosing a crib mattress. If you’re planning to convert your baby’s crib to a toddler bed, put this added feature in the “not necessary” category. While “dual firmness” convertible mattresses are available with an extra firm side for infants and a cushier, standard or memory foam on the other for toddlers, you don’t need to spend the extra money. These cost $220 for conventional types to $200 for natural fibers, but much less for a non-convertible mattress. Your baby will still be happy with a firm mattress when he becomes a toddler.

• Shopping cart covers—feel free to skip this purchase entirely. It’s not a must-have. In fact, using one may be more trouble than it’s worth. Keep in mind that the covers themselves can harbor harmful germs—from blood as well as mucus and feces—longer than a bare cart handle because the germs can get embedded in the fabric. That’s why it’s important to wash a shopping cart cover in hot water and a bleach-based disinfectant and dry it completely after every time you use it. Another reason I put shopping cart covers in the “optional” category: These days, many supermarkets supply sanitizing wipes for cleaning the cart handle and seat when you walk in, which can do a good job of reducing the germ load there. If wipes aren’t provided, keep a small supply of disinfecting wipes in your purse or diaper bag. Even after wiping, keep your baby from gnawing on the handle by bringing his favorite teething toy.

• Don’t buy designer duds. Babies may be able to wear them only once or twice before they outgrow them, which inspires new-parent guilt and the sense that the money could have been better spent on diaper, wipes, or formula. If you can’t resist, watch for sales at your favorite baby stores and scout for designer wear at secondhand shops.

• Breast-feed if you can. It’ll save you $2,000 a year, the money you’d spend on infant formula.

• If you choose or need to use infant formula, buy milk-based formula. It tends to cost less than soy-based formula, so don’t buy soy or another type of special formula unless your pediatrician recommends it. The powdered version is the least expensive. And keep in mind that all infant formula sold in the U.S. must meet the same basic nutrient requirements specified by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, so if your baby likes store-brand formula, buy it—in the largest-size cans you can find.

Consumer Reports Best Baby Products (Tenth Edition) is organized in a handy A to Z format and reviews a wide range of essential baby (and parent) gear, with an emphasis quality and safety. It will help parents find the best value and give them the information they need to determine when a bigger price tag means better quality and when it doesn’t, which baby products are must-haves and which are a waste of money, and which products might even be unsafe. For more information, visit www.consumerreports.org or Sandra’s baby products site at www.babyproductsmom.com.

Want to win a copy of Consumer Reports Best Baby Products (Tenth Edition)? Just leave a comment and your name will be entered in the giveaway for this book. You can get a bonus entry by signing up for my blog either via email or RSS and leaving a comment letting me know you did. Giveaway ends July 17.

No Sharing!

My mother is the queen of sharing. When dining together, if your meal does not appear as appetizing as hers, she will not only offer you tastes, but will trade entrees on request, unless you happened to order fish. She doesn’t eat fish.

There must have been some sort of genetic glitch since I am not a big fan of sharing food. My hoarding teeters on that of a beaver who is anticipating a long winter.

Since there are such rare moments when I can sit and enjoy a salad or plate of nachos that I have thrown together for myself, my greediness accelerates when the little kids saunter over and begin to stare at my delicacies. The bigger children give an, “Oooh, that looks good. Can I have some?” and pretty soon I’m up on my feet, with half of my meal pecked at by vultures, concocting nachos for four. I’m often surprised at their willingness to eat again after they consumed lunch twenty minutes prior to my sitting down. Oh, for the metabolism of youth!

I’m even worse about sharing dessert. After the children are kissed, hugged, prayed over, and covered, lights turned off, nightlights turned on, fans arranged and powered up, blankies located, “I love you’s” exchanged, backs tickled, and drinks of water administered (insert a sigh, whew, and deep breath, here), I love to scoop out extreme amounts of chocolate chip ice cream into a bowl, slather the top with whipped cream, and then plop my body on the couch for some down time.

Although my husband is well aware of my stinginess, on occasion, in the middle of my ice cream intake, he will ask for a bite of my dessert. Begrudgingly I serve him. Good thing we typically have opposite tastes in dessert. While he is a Popsicle, I am a frosted brownie covered with heaps of ice cream and whipped cream. Popsicles are a beverage, not a dessert.

After coming clean with my selfish disease, I have mustered up the strength to share every now and again with less bitterness. However, I now know better than to make nachos or a bowl of ice cream for myself when the children are present. At those moments I stick with something they will avoid—a feta cheese and spinach omelet.

Linda Vujnov is a writer and speaker and the mother of four kids, a girl and three boys. She blogs at Spilt Milk.

Leave a comment for a chance to win one of 3 (three) copies of Linda’s book, Spilt Milk. Contest ends Friday, July 10, 2009. Get a bonus chance by signing up to receive my blog either by RSS or email, then leave me a comment letting me know.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I assumed he’d sleep in a crib. After all, that’s where babies sleep, right?

At that time, I’d never heard of co-sleeping, slings or attachment parenting. Dr. Brazelton was barely on my radar, much less Dr. Sears. I’m assuming I planned to breastfeed – since I never stocked up on formula – but I wasn’t particularly passionate about it either way. As for labor and birth, I don’t think I gave them much thought either. I took the series of childbirth classes at our local hospital and read What to Expect When You’re Expecting, but that’s about it.

Then my son was born, and everything changed.

After an uncomfortable and slightly scary birth that ended with the doctor dragging my son out with forceps, I wondered whether or not my epidural might have been a factor. I’d heard that epidurals are related to an increased risk of instrumental delivery. Was there a link? And what if I had never agreed to let the doctor break my water in the first place? After all, that’s what made me insist on the epidural.

I read. I learned. (One of my favorite books was The Birth Book, by Dr. Sears.) For my next birth, I chose a certified nurse midwife and opted for IV pain relief and water immersion instead of an epidural. By birth #3, I’d opted out of the hospital all together; boys # 3 and 4 were born without the aid of pain medication at the first out-of-hospital birthing center in the state of Wisconsin.

I’m not saying my choices are right for everyone, just that my choices were right for me. Through trial and error, I learned what worked best for me.

And so it’s gone, through 11+ years of parenting. When I realized that my newborn son slept better beside me, he slept beside me. When not nursing during a painful bout of mastitis was far more painful than continue to nurse, I kept nursing, eventually discovering the joy of breastfeeding. For me, it was the easiest way. No bottles, no formula, no mess.

It felt natural for me to hold my son frequently and often, to respond to his cries. Later I would learn that this high-touch style of parenting (especially when coupled with breastfeeding and babywearing) is called attachment parenting.

As for homeschooling, it’s more of the same. School just didn’t work for my son. He’s always been a highly motivated, highly individualized leader who learns best by following his own light. After watching his love of learning dwindle – and seeing him grow to hate school (by age 5!) – we knew it was time to make a change. We worked with the school for a while, but eventually decided to homeschool.

It worked! And so here I am, 11+ years after becoming a parent: a natural birthing, attachment parenting, homeschooling mom. My brother calls me a hippie, but that’s OK with me. Parenting is a system of trial and error, and as every parent knows, what works one day may not work the next. But for now, this works for me.

Jennifer Fink is a freelance writer and homeschooler and blogs about raising, educating and learning with her four boys at Blogging ‘Bout Boys.

Gila:  When coaching parents, I teach them to use the following tools towards effective communication. It takes work, but is well worth it.
1. Listen Without Judgment — Bite your tongue. Control the impulse to correct, advise or judge. Encourage kids to open up. Just listen.
2. Respond to Feelings, Not Behaviors — Look past behaviors to identify the underlying feelings. Address the cause, not the symptoms.
3. Empower Kids to Problem Solve — Give kids the opportunity to come up with solutions to problems independently. Encourage creative problem solving and win-win solutions.

S:  What do you believe is one of the biggest communication barriers between parents and children?

G:  The root of the communication barrier between parent and child is simply a lack of understanding. The world looks very different to a child than to an adult, yet we work very hard to train children to fit into our adult world. We get frustrated when they have tantrums or when they don’t do what we say. We get angry when they lie to us or ignore us. One of the things I teach parents to do is to learn to decode behavior. While we can certainly choose to punish a child for not behaving in a way that is acceptable to us, it is far more effective to take the time to understand why they are behaving in such a way. When we begin to understand and validate their feelings, as well as their need not to comply with us, we quickly see a turnaround in their level of cooperation. We get back a lot more from our kids when we are willing to give of ourselves, as well.

S:  Can you briefly explain the concept of attachment parenting? Why do you feel it’s effective?

G:  Attachment parenting is, without a doubt, extremely effective. It is based on years of research that show that children need a secure bond with at least one adult in order to thrive as independent, confident, compassionate individuals. The secure bond makes a child feel safe enough to be his authentic self without fear of judgment, criticism or punishment. This attachment, or secure bond, is created from the time an infant is born. By co-sleeping, baby-wearing, breastfeeding and responding to baby’s cries parents can build that bond, resulting in a deep trusting relationship between parent and child.

S:  What are some of the clues you’ve seen that there’s a lack of respect by the parent for the child? Why is respect for the child so important?

G:  The lack of respect for children comes from the traditional parenting approach that says a parent’s role is to control and mold a child into a proper adult. There is the all-too-common belief that, if left to their own devices, kids will take advantage and will not be able to discern between right and wrong. Consequently, parents turn to tactics (time-outs, gold stars, grounding, yelling, etc.) in order to control children’s behavior. This perception is incongruent with the notion of mutual respect. How can we have respect for someone who we believe to be lazy, manipulative and incapable?

Ironically, the only way to teach a child true respect, and to teach them to respect us, is by showing our respect for them. We can train kids to behave in ways that we feel are respectful, but unless we offer them our respect as well, they will not learn the true meaning of the word.

S:  Why is it so important to let our children be authentic?

G:  By allowing kids to be authentic, that is that they are free to explore and respond to the world in a way that is natural to them, we build in them a self-confidence that will carry them throughout their lives. Again, a child that is respected will naturally have respect for others and the world around. When we teach our children that it is safe for them to be who they are, that they are respected, supported and loved unconditionally they are free to become independent, responsible, compassionate and self-directed adults. What more could we want for our kids?

Gila Brown, M.A., is a Child Development Specialist and Parent Educator in Los Angeles, CA, and author of a soon-to-be-released parenting book exploring the application of attachment theory principles for parents of double-digit kids. For more parenting information, you can visit her at www.GilaBrown.com.

I am officially diagnosing myself with a case of conception anxiety. I now truly believe this is the reason a “higher power” arranged my first child as a surprise. How would I ever have deemed it was “time”?

When are you ready? No one is every really ready to become a parent or even to become a parent for the second time.

There is always something lurking in the shadows of your parenting plans. There is the fact that the condo is too small and the housing market stinks. Will it ever sale? Then there are those student loans that in all honesty, should be paid off by now. (Shame on me and my almost thirty-year-old self.) How much strain would a new addition put on the relationship between my daughter’s father and I?

Then there are the people who tell you you’ve waited too long between children, you haven’t waited long enough or the best… you’re too young or too old.

My daughter turned three in April. My sister and I are two years apart in age and I always thought I’d follow suit in my procreation. Not the case.

I’m definitely not pregnant yet, and only beginning to think about it. I do know myself and know if I’m going to do it I better do it now before I become too comfortable with the idea of never changing another diaper again.

I wonder, will I be able to be a good mom of two or am I better as a mother of one? How do you know when the time is right or do you just take the plunge?

The only real advice I have is to steer clear of the “Are You Ready For Kids” quizzes online. They would give the go ahead to… well, you know what I mean.

There’s a lot to think about, as you’ll see in this article from families.com. Enjoy the reading, but in the end, I don’t think you’ll find an answer anywhere, but in your own heart.