Happy Families…Bounce

Some say, sure, it’s easy to be a happy family when life is good. When money isn’t a problem, when the kids are little angels, when we’re all healthy, when the in-laws are loving and supportive, when partners are joyfully in love — boy, are we happy! But what about real people in real families with some real trouble? Can we be expected to be happy when times are tough?

Yes.

Bad things happen. Financial hardship, hospitalization, relocation, problems at school, even physical abuse — they happen all the time in all families. Some families fall apart under the strain; others take the hit, but bounce right back. Why is that? Why can some families, but not others, weather the tough times and remain strong, loving and happy? The key secret of the families who are able to bounce is found in one word: resiliency.

VOTING FOR RESILIENCY

Resiliency is a common term, usually associated with toughness or durability; for example, the balsam fir is a resilient tree, able to withstand harsh northern winters. In human psychology terms, it often refers to the capacity of an individual to recover quickly from a misfortune or trauma and maintain an established pattern of functioning. More simply, resiliency is the quality of families that can stretch and bounce back when confronted with challenges! Not only is this ability important, but, according to the individuals who completed the Happy Family Survey, it is the single more important factor in keeping a family together.

When asked what contributed most to a happy family, respondents were asked to rank the following six factors: (1) agreeing about money, (2) resiliency, (3) doing a lot of activities as a family, (4) having children grow up with both biological parents, (5) living within an hour’s distance from the children’s grandparents, and (6) attending religious services weekly.

Resiliency was given the number one vote more than any other factor. When I analyzed the data, I found an interesting phenomenon. This choice of resiliency as an important factor in a happy family didn’t waver according to the type of family: whether respondents were in a traditional nuclear, step, blended, single-parent, or gay or lesbian family, all recognized that if you have resiliency, then you have the necessary ingredient to have a happy family.

Unfortunately, having a family that can weather the slings and arrows of life’s outrageous fortune doesn’t come easy. That’s why its integral role in family dynamics is too often kept a secret.

Excerpted from The Secrets of Happy Families by Scott Haltzman, M.D.  Copyright © 2009 by Scott Haltzman. Reprinted with permission of the publisher, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

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Baby products are an $8.9 billion industry in the U.S., with hundreds of new products added to the lineup each year. With an ever increasing range of choices, and seemingly limitless options, shopping for a new baby can be daunting and expensive. Retailers and manufacturers are smart. They realize that new parents want the best for their baby and that they’re willing to shell out for the privilege. It’s no wonder that a typical middle-income family with one child in the U.S. will spend an average of $13,590 on baby’s first year alone!

“You can spend less, get better value, and still buy high-quality, safe products,” says Sandra Gordon, author of Consumer Reports Best Baby Products, (Tenth Edition). “And you don’t necessarily need to spend a bundle to get them.”

Gordon offers the following tips for making budget cuts that won’t compromise your baby’s safety, which should always be your top concern.

• Go with store-brand disposable diapers. Although Consumer Reports tests show that the name brands are the top-rated disposable diapers, because overall they tend to be more absorbent and fit better, you may find store brands more than adequate—and a cost cutter. You’ll save about 3 cents per diaper if, for example, you compare the cost of size 1 Par­ent’s Choice, Wal-Mart’s store-brand diapers, with Pampers, also size 1. Saving pennies per diaper may not seem like much, but with 10 changes per day (which is reasonable with an infant), you’d bank about $9 per month and $108 per year using the size 1 store brand diapers.

• Nix the convertible option when choosing a crib mattress. If you’re planning to convert your baby’s crib to a toddler bed, put this added feature in the “not necessary” category. While “dual firmness” convertible mattresses are available with an extra firm side for infants and a cushier, standard or memory foam on the other for toddlers, you don’t need to spend the extra money. These cost $220 for conventional types to $200 for natural fibers, but much less for a non-convertible mattress. Your baby will still be happy with a firm mattress when he becomes a toddler.

• Shopping cart covers—feel free to skip this purchase entirely. It’s not a must-have. In fact, using one may be more trouble than it’s worth. Keep in mind that the covers themselves can harbor harmful germs—from blood as well as mucus and feces—longer than a bare cart handle because the germs can get embedded in the fabric. That’s why it’s important to wash a shopping cart cover in hot water and a bleach-based disinfectant and dry it completely after every time you use it. Another reason I put shopping cart covers in the “optional” category: These days, many supermarkets supply sanitizing wipes for cleaning the cart handle and seat when you walk in, which can do a good job of reducing the germ load there. If wipes aren’t provided, keep a small supply of disinfecting wipes in your purse or diaper bag. Even after wiping, keep your baby from gnawing on the handle by bringing his favorite teething toy.

• Don’t buy designer duds. Babies may be able to wear them only once or twice before they outgrow them, which inspires new-parent guilt and the sense that the money could have been better spent on diaper, wipes, or formula. If you can’t resist, watch for sales at your favorite baby stores and scout for designer wear at secondhand shops.

• Breast-feed if you can. It’ll save you $2,000 a year, the money you’d spend on infant formula.

• If you choose or need to use infant formula, buy milk-based formula. It tends to cost less than soy-based formula, so don’t buy soy or another type of special formula unless your pediatrician recommends it. The powdered version is the least expensive. And keep in mind that all infant formula sold in the U.S. must meet the same basic nutrient requirements specified by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, so if your baby likes store-brand formula, buy it—in the largest-size cans you can find.

Consumer Reports Best Baby Products (Tenth Edition) is organized in a handy A to Z format and reviews a wide range of essential baby (and parent) gear, with an emphasis quality and safety. It will help parents find the best value and give them the information they need to determine when a bigger price tag means better quality and when it doesn’t, which baby products are must-haves and which are a waste of money, and which products might even be unsafe. For more information, visit www.consumerreports.org or Sandra’s baby products site at www.babyproductsmom.com.

Want to win a copy of Consumer Reports Best Baby Products (Tenth Edition)? Just leave a comment and your name will be entered in the giveaway for this book. You can get a bonus entry by signing up for my blog either via email or RSS and leaving a comment letting me know you did. Giveaway ends July 17.

No Sharing!

My mother is the queen of sharing. When dining together, if your meal does not appear as appetizing as hers, she will not only offer you tastes, but will trade entrees on request, unless you happened to order fish. She doesn’t eat fish.

There must have been some sort of genetic glitch since I am not a big fan of sharing food. My hoarding teeters on that of a beaver who is anticipating a long winter.

Since there are such rare moments when I can sit and enjoy a salad or plate of nachos that I have thrown together for myself, my greediness accelerates when the little kids saunter over and begin to stare at my delicacies. The bigger children give an, “Oooh, that looks good. Can I have some?” and pretty soon I’m up on my feet, with half of my meal pecked at by vultures, concocting nachos for four. I’m often surprised at their willingness to eat again after they consumed lunch twenty minutes prior to my sitting down. Oh, for the metabolism of youth!

I’m even worse about sharing dessert. After the children are kissed, hugged, prayed over, and covered, lights turned off, nightlights turned on, fans arranged and powered up, blankies located, “I love you’s” exchanged, backs tickled, and drinks of water administered (insert a sigh, whew, and deep breath, here), I love to scoop out extreme amounts of chocolate chip ice cream into a bowl, slather the top with whipped cream, and then plop my body on the couch for some down time.

Although my husband is well aware of my stinginess, on occasion, in the middle of my ice cream intake, he will ask for a bite of my dessert. Begrudgingly I serve him. Good thing we typically have opposite tastes in dessert. While he is a Popsicle, I am a frosted brownie covered with heaps of ice cream and whipped cream. Popsicles are a beverage, not a dessert.

After coming clean with my selfish disease, I have mustered up the strength to share every now and again with less bitterness. However, I now know better than to make nachos or a bowl of ice cream for myself when the children are present. At those moments I stick with something they will avoid—a feta cheese and spinach omelet.

Linda Vujnov is a writer and speaker and the mother of four kids, a girl and three boys. She blogs at Spilt Milk.

Leave a comment for a chance to win one of 3 (three) copies of Linda’s book, Spilt Milk. Contest ends Friday, July 10, 2009. Get a bonus chance by signing up to receive my blog either by RSS or email, then leave me a comment letting me know.