Yeah, right, I’d think to myself. There is NO way I’m going to be best friends with these jerks!

Well, as moms often are, she was right. The two I once dubbed as geeks, tattle-talers and stupid pains-in-the-neck as I sat, punished, in one of many corners pondering the best means for their mutual demise, are definitely my best friends. I’m grateful on an almost daily basis for them. Though as kids we fought Every. Single. Day. (sorry, Mom!), now we’re all confidantes, sources of support and lookouts. We’re fiercely defensive of each other, happy to lend a listening and sympathetic ear and we share just about everything. My sisters are two of the few people in the world I know I can trust with anything, including my life. I don’t know what I’d do without them and often feel sorry for other women who aren’t lucky enough to have a sister, let alone two.

It strikes me as beautifully sweet when I hear my twin daughters say, “I love you” to each other, as they often do before bed. Andie says to Rachel, “You’re the best sister in the world,” and they hug. Just as my mom reminded us of our future relationships with each other, I tell my daughters that they will always be best friends, even more so than they are now, and that looking out for each other is of the utmost importance. When Andie’s friends choose to be mean to or ignore Rachel, Andie needs to stand up for her sister.

After all, they will be there for each other for the rest of their lives. Grade school classmates most likely won’t. Little do they know just how deep a bond they are forging for the future.

Do you have sisters? Daughters? What is the best part of the sister relationship, in your opinion?

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Happy Families…Bounce

Some say, sure, it’s easy to be a happy family when life is good. When money isn’t a problem, when the kids are little angels, when we’re all healthy, when the in-laws are loving and supportive, when partners are joyfully in love — boy, are we happy! But what about real people in real families with some real trouble? Can we be expected to be happy when times are tough?

Yes.

Bad things happen. Financial hardship, hospitalization, relocation, problems at school, even physical abuse — they happen all the time in all families. Some families fall apart under the strain; others take the hit, but bounce right back. Why is that? Why can some families, but not others, weather the tough times and remain strong, loving and happy? The key secret of the families who are able to bounce is found in one word: resiliency.

VOTING FOR RESILIENCY

Resiliency is a common term, usually associated with toughness or durability; for example, the balsam fir is a resilient tree, able to withstand harsh northern winters. In human psychology terms, it often refers to the capacity of an individual to recover quickly from a misfortune or trauma and maintain an established pattern of functioning. More simply, resiliency is the quality of families that can stretch and bounce back when confronted with challenges! Not only is this ability important, but, according to the individuals who completed the Happy Family Survey, it is the single more important factor in keeping a family together.

When asked what contributed most to a happy family, respondents were asked to rank the following six factors: (1) agreeing about money, (2) resiliency, (3) doing a lot of activities as a family, (4) having children grow up with both biological parents, (5) living within an hour’s distance from the children’s grandparents, and (6) attending religious services weekly.

Resiliency was given the number one vote more than any other factor. When I analyzed the data, I found an interesting phenomenon. This choice of resiliency as an important factor in a happy family didn’t waver according to the type of family: whether respondents were in a traditional nuclear, step, blended, single-parent, or gay or lesbian family, all recognized that if you have resiliency, then you have the necessary ingredient to have a happy family.

Unfortunately, having a family that can weather the slings and arrows of life’s outrageous fortune doesn’t come easy. That’s why its integral role in family dynamics is too often kept a secret.

Excerpted from The Secrets of Happy Families by Scott Haltzman, M.D.  Copyright © 2009 by Scott Haltzman. Reprinted with permission of the publisher, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

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Start Small – Young children can learn through interactive activities with parents. Use daily errand activities like going to the grocery store or bank to teach children impromptu lessons about budgeting and money. Give your children toy money and encourage them to “play store.” You can also read books like The Money Tree and If You Made a Million with your kids to help them understand how to spend wisely.

Put Junior on a Budget – Weekly allowances are pretty common – 71 percent of survey respondents require their children to use allowance money on their own purchases – but not many parents are helping their kids create a budget. Give kids allowances in small denominations and help them decide how much to save and how to divide their spending money wisely.

Don’t Make Money Taboo – A majority of respondents, 65 percent, said they did not get financial guidance from their parents, and one in five people (19 percent) said they have never spoken with their own children about finances. You don’t have to tell your kids everything about your financial situation, but teaching by example is one of the best ways for kids to learn.

Wants vs. Needs – Explain the difference between wants and needs to children. Encouraging them to earn and save for something they really want is a smart way to teach healthy spending habits and delayed gratification. Help your child keep track of their savings with a chart or offer them some “piggy bank” incentives, for example: for every $20 they save, you will add $2 more.

Teach First, Trust Second – Teens and college students face plenty of temptations for credit card overspending. Only 15 percent of survey respondents have added their child as an authorized credit card user to teach responsible credit habits, but with the average credit card debt for college students at about $2,748, according to student-loan provider Nellie Mae, parents shouldn’t wait until it’s too late to talk to kids about credit.

By TrueCredit.com

Do you use any of these techniques with your kids? Do you have your own tips to share?

“Phew, it stinks in here!” I said, as I peered in the little door at the four of them happily playing cards and drawing.

“We don’t even smell it,” said Andie, speaking for everyone.

They clearly didn’t. The dank camper air was tempered by tranquility and joy, overflowing to engulf me in its intensity instantly. I listened for a bit and smiled at the polite manner in which they spoke to each other, the tone they use when they’re extraordinarily happy and therefore can afford to be much more patient and forgiving. They played in there that entire day and if there was any fighting going on, I didn’t hear about it (a welcome break).

After I tucked them into their beds in the camper that night*, I walked back to the house and as I often do, I envied them their childish happiness. I was thinking about my upcoming income tax audit and how behind I was on my work. They were in kid-heaven, snuggled together in the camper and chattering over each other. I longed to be a kid again so I could jump in there with them and enjoy the cool summer night and the family camaraderie, no worries attached.

But I’m not a kid anymore, no matter how much I wish I were. And generally, I’m okay with that. The sheer delight that at times like this radiates from my four offspring more than makes up for the adult problems from which I often wish I could flee.

In some ways, it’s sort of like reliving the best parts of childhood again when you have your own children, I reflected, as I walked up the steps to the back door. To share their experiences brings back the delight and awe we felt when we were kids ourselves.

With one last glance at the camper nestled under the trees, I went back to my adult world, knowing that these summer nights will forever stick in their memories as some of the best times of their childhood. All the time and hassle it took me to set the camper up was completely and utterly worth the trouble just to see how thrilled and excited it made them.

This is one tradition we will definitely be keeping.

Summer is full of traditions for most families: Popsicles when it’s hot, spending time at the lake, roasting marshmallows over a campfire, staking a tent in the yard, planting and harvesting the garden… What are your family’s summer traditions?

* For those who don’t know, sleeping in our backyard is not at all dangerous since we live in the middle of nowhere. Literally. We have no visible neighbors, unless you want to count the cows (not ours) who are currently grazing in the pastures adjoining our house and who are incredibly, annoyingly loud. Camping in the backyard is completely safe. It’s one of the perks of living in the country.

No Sharing!

My mother is the queen of sharing. When dining together, if your meal does not appear as appetizing as hers, she will not only offer you tastes, but will trade entrees on request, unless you happened to order fish. She doesn’t eat fish.

There must have been some sort of genetic glitch since I am not a big fan of sharing food. My hoarding teeters on that of a beaver who is anticipating a long winter.

Since there are such rare moments when I can sit and enjoy a salad or plate of nachos that I have thrown together for myself, my greediness accelerates when the little kids saunter over and begin to stare at my delicacies. The bigger children give an, “Oooh, that looks good. Can I have some?” and pretty soon I’m up on my feet, with half of my meal pecked at by vultures, concocting nachos for four. I’m often surprised at their willingness to eat again after they consumed lunch twenty minutes prior to my sitting down. Oh, for the metabolism of youth!

I’m even worse about sharing dessert. After the children are kissed, hugged, prayed over, and covered, lights turned off, nightlights turned on, fans arranged and powered up, blankies located, “I love you’s” exchanged, backs tickled, and drinks of water administered (insert a sigh, whew, and deep breath, here), I love to scoop out extreme amounts of chocolate chip ice cream into a bowl, slather the top with whipped cream, and then plop my body on the couch for some down time.

Although my husband is well aware of my stinginess, on occasion, in the middle of my ice cream intake, he will ask for a bite of my dessert. Begrudgingly I serve him. Good thing we typically have opposite tastes in dessert. While he is a Popsicle, I am a frosted brownie covered with heaps of ice cream and whipped cream. Popsicles are a beverage, not a dessert.

After coming clean with my selfish disease, I have mustered up the strength to share every now and again with less bitterness. However, I now know better than to make nachos or a bowl of ice cream for myself when the children are present. At those moments I stick with something they will avoid—a feta cheese and spinach omelet.

Linda Vujnov is a writer and speaker and the mother of four kids, a girl and three boys. She blogs at Spilt Milk.

Leave a comment for a chance to win one of 3 (three) copies of Linda’s book, Spilt Milk. Contest ends Friday, July 10, 2009. Get a bonus chance by signing up to receive my blog either by RSS or email, then leave me a comment letting me know.

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Have a great weekend!

A fellow writer wisely commented on the self-proclaimed helicopter mom profiled in the Boston Globe article, the one I said yesterday didn’t seem like a helicopter parent to me.

I would say if that mom was weighing in with advice on classes without being asked — and what the level of weighing might be, gentle advice or pushing the student in a direction — she is helicopter parenting. … But if the relationship is adult to adult, that these are respectful conversations and the students are looking for their mom’s input, that’s not helicopter parenting.

She’s right. If this mom is giving unsolicited advice or trying to control her daughters’ lives, she’s way too involved. I just assumed that she was treating her daughters in a respectful, loving manner. To me, the description of the mom seems caring and connected, not interfering. It’s interesting how we all see things through our own set of experiences.

As I said the other day, I would love to have a relationship with my college-age/adult daughters like the mom in the article. It’s not that I need to be involved in their every activity or that I don’t have friends of my own, it’s more that it would make me happy that they would value my opinion enough to let me in on some of the details of their lives. I also just plain-old enjoy spending time with them and I expect that feeling will increase as they grow into adulthood.

I’ll be honest: I very much hope that someday, when my days of raising them are over, we can be close friends. I have fantasies of the three of us someday lying on the beach somewhere, enjoying a mother/daughter vacation.

Note that I said “…when my days of raising them are over…,” not now. I’m involved in my kids’ lives and interested in everything they do, but I can’t be their friend AND discipline them. My authority is gone the moment I stop being their mom and become their friend.

How involved do you envision yourself being with your adult children?

Obviously helicopter parenting by its very definition implies over-involvement in a child’s life. In general, it seems to be looked upon as a negative method of parenting because it smothers a child’s decision-making and real-life skills, personal preferences and independence.

My further research finds that the term “helicopter parenting” is typically used in the context of school, particularly high school and college, but it is also often used  interchangeably with “overparenting.” I think the terms are very similar, though perhaps overparenting is a broader concept (and something we’ll discuss in the future).

As with most things in life, balance is the key. If you’re swooping in to rescue your child from every negative situation, you might want to think about the impact of your interference on your child’s future. What happens when you’re unable to help or not around? Will she be able to think for herself? When you find your entire identity wrapped up in your children and your role as a parent, it’s time to get your own life.

Conversely, if you have no idea what extra-curricular activities your child participates in or what kind of activities he enjoys, you probably need to be more involved. What kind of connection will he have with you once he leaves the home as an adult? How will he remember your relationship with him throughout his childhood?

Extremes of any kind are rarely good within the context of parenting. Not allowing children to succeed and fail where they should only impairs their ability to maneuver through the obstacle course of their lives independently when they become adults. In effect, it’s turning a disabled adult out into the world; one who is unprepared for the decisions she will have to make, forcing her to rely on her parent(s) for help and/or making the decisions for her. It’s like insisting on driving your child everywhere he goes. How will he learn to drive if you don’t let him try it himself?

When you think about it, raising a child who needs you that badly, particularly as an adult, could be classified as narcissistic on the parent’s part. Does a parent really need to be involved in every aspect of the child’s life or is there a deeper problem?

I’ll talk about that more in depth another time. For now, here are a couple links to some interesting articles on helicopter parenting:

How To Ground a “Helicopter Parent”

So the Torah is a Parenting Guide?

Today I was headed to town by myself, blasting “High School Musical 2” and singing in that loud and obnoxious way you do when you’re alone. By the time Track 5 started though, it occurred to me that perhaps it’s not totally normal to listen to the kids’ music when they’re not even in the vicinity, but hey — sometimes a girl’s just got to sing!

(In case you’re not familiar with the “High School Musical 2″ soundtrack, the best songs on it are “I Don’t Dance” and “Bet On It.” My kids agree — these two are the most requested tracks when we have that particular CD in the player.)

In the past, I’ve also been known to pop in “Wee Sing Silly Songs,” a cassette tape (remember those?) we had when the kids were much younger, and, yes, of course, sing along. Now that my kids have them all on CD, I also like to listen to the set of  kids’ records (I know, I’m showing my age) my sisters and I grew up on. The most popular of them was “Music Machine,” versions 1 and 2. These CDs, despite the lack of needle scratching and skipping, just feel like home to me because we constantly had one or another of them on.

Just don’t laugh if you pass me on the road while I’m rocking out to “Work This Out.” When you’re forced to listen to the kids’ music as often as a lot of us parents are (“Hannah Montana,” anyone?), you can’t help having it grow on you a bit, particularly when you’re still a kid at heart anyway.

Anyone else willing to confess? What kiddie CDs are your guilty pleasures?

A little background here: My mother had three daughters and no sons. My maternal grandmother had two daughters and no sons. My maternal great-grandmother had three girls, no boys. Even my paternal grandmother only had one boy and three girls. I knew my chances of having a boy were probably not very good since genetics do seem to determine some of this (i.e., a bad environment for the Y sperm).

This was why I was so anxious to know the gender of my babies. I wanted to have a boy first so I could be sure I’d get one. Growing up with girls, I’d always gotten along much better with boys, and I was dying to have a son of my own so I could see what life with boys in the house was like. I’ve also always admired the mother/son bonds I’ve seen and wanted to experience it for myself.

When I found out my babies were both girls some weeks later, I have to admit, I was deeply disappointed. After all, I was fulfilling the destiny I always knew I would — being a producer of only female offspring.

Of course that all changed once I saw them. I no longer cared that they were girls, even if they could be the only children I’d ever have. I fell in love with them, their little-girl clothes and shoes, their little-girl hair, and I loved how easy it was to relate to them.

I adore having daughters, which is quite unexpected and, frankly, awesome. Every stage brings with it new discoveries about them, different ways to relate and yet another facet to their ever-growing personalities. It’s fascinating to watch them grow up, make decisions, learn responsibility and become more and more independent.

We all know though that a girl’s open love and admiration for her mother abruptly end when she turns 12 or 13 and her mother becomes the stupidest and most embarrassing person on the planet. I mean, mother/daughter friction is just going to happen, right? It makes me sad to think about my daughters, who currently profess that I’m the best mom ever and still openly admire and love me, being constantly annoyed and smart-mouthed.

I’ll just hope that we can keep the momentum going and stay close throughout those tough years. If not, then I only have one good year left, two, if I’m lucky.

Whatever happens, I am eternally grateful that I have been blessed with my daughters.

Did you have a strong preference for your kids to be a certain gender? If so, why?

If you have or have had teenage girls, are/were you able to make it through those friction-filled times with your relationship fairly intact? If so, how did you do it?