A fellow writer wisely commented on the self-proclaimed helicopter mom profiled in the Boston Globe article, the one I said yesterday didn’t seem like a helicopter parent to me.

I would say if that mom was weighing in with advice on classes without being asked — and what the level of weighing might be, gentle advice or pushing the student in a direction — she is helicopter parenting. … But if the relationship is adult to adult, that these are respectful conversations and the students are looking for their mom’s input, that’s not helicopter parenting.

She’s right. If this mom is giving unsolicited advice or trying to control her daughters’ lives, she’s way too involved. I just assumed that she was treating her daughters in a respectful, loving manner. To me, the description of the mom seems caring and connected, not interfering. It’s interesting how we all see things through our own set of experiences.

As I said the other day, I would love to have a relationship with my college-age/adult daughters like the mom in the article. It’s not that I need to be involved in their every activity or that I don’t have friends of my own, it’s more that it would make me happy that they would value my opinion enough to let me in on some of the details of their lives. I also just plain-old enjoy spending time with them and I expect that feeling will increase as they grow into adulthood.

I’ll be honest: I very much hope that someday, when my days of raising them are over, we can be close friends. I have fantasies of the three of us someday lying on the beach somewhere, enjoying a mother/daughter vacation.

Note that I said “…when my days of raising them are over…,” not now. I’m involved in my kids’ lives and interested in everything they do, but I can’t be their friend AND discipline them. My authority is gone the moment I stop being their mom and become their friend.

How involved do you envision yourself being with your adult children?

Obviously helicopter parenting by its very definition implies over-involvement in a child’s life. In general, it seems to be looked upon as a negative method of parenting because it smothers a child’s decision-making and real-life skills, personal preferences and independence.

My further research finds that the term “helicopter parenting” is typically used in the context of school, particularly high school and college, but it is also often used  interchangeably with “over-parenting.” I think the terms are very similar, though perhaps over-parenting is a broader concept (and something we’ll discuss in the future).

As with most things in life, balance is the key. If you’re swooping in to rescue your child from every negative situation, you might want to think about the impact of your interference on your child’s future. What happens when you’re unable to help or not around? Will she be able to think for herself? When you find your entire identity wrapped up in your children and your role as a parent, it’s time to get your own life.

Conversely, if you have no idea what extra-curricular activities your child participates in or what kind of activities he enjoys, you probably need to be more involved. What kind of connection will he have with you once he leaves the home as an adult? How will he remember your relationship with him throughout his childhood?

Extremes of any kind are rarely good within the context of parenting. Not allowing children to succeed and fail where they should only impairs their ability to maneuver through the obstacle course of their lives independently when they become adults. In effect, it’s turning a disabled adult out into the world; one who is unprepared for the decisions she will have to make, forcing her to rely on her parent(s) for help and/or making the decisions for her. It’s like insisting on driving your child everywhere he goes. How will he learn to drive if you don’t let him try it himself?

When you think about it, raising a child who needs you that badly, particularly as an adult, could be classified as narcissistic on the parent’s part. Does a parent really need to be involved in every aspect of the child’s life or is there a deeper problem?

I’ll talk about that more in depth another time. For now, here are a couple links to some interesting articles on helicopter parenting:

How To Ground a “Helicopter Parent”

So the Torah is a Parenting Guide?

…a quiet reappraisal of helicopter parents is underway. Some researchers have begun to argue that late adolescence and young adulthood are such minefields today – emotional, social, sexual, logistical, psychological – that there are valid reasons for parents to remain deeply involved in their children’s lives even after the kids are, technically speaking, adults.

Further along in the article, a social historian argues that helicopter parenting is not the same as over-parenting, though people use the two terms interchangeably. She feels helicoptering is actually a positive method of raising kids.

So far, I’m not buying it. Being that involved in a child’s life cannot possibly be good for either party.

Until I read the next part, detailing the activities of a self-professed helicopter mom of twin daughters who are attending college.

She goes shopping with them. She gives them advice about their relationships. She weighs in when they are worried about an upcoming test or wondering which class to take. She helps decorate their dorm rooms. One night a week, when (her daughter) gets off work from her part-time job, (she) drives from her Newton home to downtown Boston, picks her up, and transports her back to Pine Manor College.

That doesn’t sound so extreme to me. In fact, that sounds like the kind of relationship I hope to have with my daughters someday. I would go so far as to say that this mom doesn’t really fit the definition of a helicopter mom. These girls are adults, they’re in college, and their mom is their buddy. She sounds very involved with her daughters’ lives, but not interfering.

If I stick to the Wikipedia definition mentioned in my last post, I have a big problem with helicopter parenting. Not allowing kids to fail and deal with it, or make their own choices and become independent-thinking adults, is not raising very healthy and responsible members of society. Life is tough and often unfair. Part of our job as parents is to teach our kids cause and effect, choices and consequences of those choices, so they will be prepared for reality, rather than stunned into immobility by how different the outside world is, where Mommy and Daddy aren’t there to rescue them.

Next time: How much is too much involvement?

What did you think of the Boston Globe article? Share your thoughts on its argument that helicopter parenting is beneficial for some families. Do you feel that “helicopter parenting” and “over-parenting” are synonymous?

As the name implies, helicopter parenting refers to parents who hover over their children constantly, making their offspring the planet around which they orbit. Helicopter parents are entrenched in their children’s lives, so much so that even once they reach young adulthood, ages 18-20, some parents go along with their kids to job interviews and even interact with their college professors.

Here’s the Wikipedia definition:

Helicopter parent is a colloquial, early 21st-century term for a parent who pays extremely close attention to his or her child’s or children’s experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. These parents rush to prevent any harm or failure from befalling them and will not let them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children’s wishes. They are so named because, like helicopters, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not.

Extreme? Not to some.

To be continued…

Because these coined terms are such hot topics right now (try Googling “parenting methods”), I’m going to be covering a handful of them. I’ll talk about what they mean, who supports them, why I think they’re good or bad and give you links to do some further reading yourself.

As always, I hope you’ll join in the discussion. As volatile of a subject as parenting is, I expect there to be plenty.

We’ll start tomorrow with Helicopter Parenting.