I am a day care provider for just one child. She is an only child and spends the majority of the day with me, an adult. I recently took her to a library reading with other kids and she even knew a couple of them. She would not interact with the kids. She just stared at me and stuck her hands in her mouth. Very frustrating. After an hour she finally participated with the children she knew but by then it was basically over. Obviously I need to get her out more but I live in a small farming town and there is not much out there. Why are some kids so socially inadequate? I don’t feel like it is normal. I do have a step-daughter on my days off from day care and she is an only child from a broken home just like my daycare kid and I feel she adapts well to others (doesn’t play well alone, but with others just fine). I am learning and don’t know how to help my daycare child. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Kara

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Hi Kara,

Thanks so much for your question.

I think the basic difference between your step-daughter and your daycare child is simply in their personalities, just as some adults are shy, while others are more outgoing and friendly. Your charge probably just needs some time to warm up to the other kids. I don’t think getting her out more is that big of a deal at this point. If the opportunity arises to take her to activities with other kids, that’s great. If not, no biggie. She’ll get plenty of experience when she starts going to school.

Next time you do take her somewhere with her peers, encourage her gently to interact with the other kids, but don’t push her. She needs room to be who she is without feeling pressured. Although it might seem like social inadequacy to you, it’s very normal for younger kids to be this way. She’ll figure it out eventually, though she might always be a little timid.

It sounds like you’re doing a great job with her and the fact that you’re worried about this aspect of her development shows how much you care. It’s easy for caregivers to worry excessively about how well they’re doing with their charges, but I think most of us worry unnecessarily. I believe that as long as we’re providing the kids we care for with love, support, attention, guidance and patience, they will be just fine.

Thanks for writing and be confident in your caregiving skills. You’re doing great!

Sarah

Anyone else care to weigh in?

Just the other day, I watched in disbelief when I was telling Logan not to do something and Cody came out from the other room and began telling him the same things I was, as if I weren’t even there. Of course these little mothers make their siblings quite indignant, but they can’t seem to stop themselves.

It’s so interesting to see how different kids’ personalities are and watch them emerge and develop. Logan and Rachel are just too laid back to care, like me, while Cody and Andie have to know what’s going on, when, and why, before they’re able to relax.

Andie and I can drive each other absolutely crazy because our personalities are so different. I’m nearly always late for everything, no matter how hard I try not to be, which drives her up the wall. She just about makes herself sick over minor things that she worries about, while I usually just blow my worries off. She often demands to know what we’re doing and when we’re doing it, while I don’t like to be scheduled.

When I agreed a few weeks ago that the girls could have a birthday party with friends this year, the second we got home, Andie started a list of games they’d play, food they’d have, the friends they would invite . . . Their birthday wasn’t for TWO MONTHS! That’s how she is though. She peppers me with questions and worries over everything.

The flip side is that she has always been amazingly responsible for her age. She follows directions to the last detail, has been learning to cook meals, looks after her brothers and helps me a ton around the house.

Personality types fascinate me. You can learn so much about other people when you understand their personality traits. I did a personality quiz on the girls at http://www.personalitypage.com/kid_info.html. It’s geared towards kids who are 7-12, but you can get a general sense of your younger child’s personality as well. What I really like about it is that it gives you ways to relate to your child and other helpful hints.

The quiz is based on the Myers-Briggs personality inventory, which is the most widely used model. To discover yours, go to http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp. There’s also another fun one that’s not based on the Myers-Briggs at www.personaldna.com.

It turned out that Rachel is the same personality type as me, except that she is an introvert, while I’m an extrovert. Andie has the same personality type as her dad, but she’s extroverted and he’s introverted. I’m an ENFP, Rachel’s an INF, Andie’s an ENT and their dad is an INTJ. It’s all quite fascinating in how we relate to one another.

What’s your personality type and how does it compare to your child/ren’s?

This sort of anxiousness was new to me, and completely unexpected. After all, I didn’t get too nervous at their first piano or dance recitals. I simply felt calm and excited to see what they could do. So why was I feeling sick to my stomach over a grade-school basketball game?

Maybe it was because sports are such a big part of life where we live. In a rural area, athletics are often the only things that keep kids out of trouble. Sporting events rank more highly than church or weekend free time to many. Because of all the small schools, most kids play sports of one kind or another, whether or not they actually have talent.

As I slid into the gym with my two sons, I mumbled something of my anxiety to my friend, a seasoned pro in school sports. “Oh, it’ll be fine. Basically, watching fourth grade basketball is like watching a bunch of clowns play,” she told me. The refs are easier on them at this age too, she said, so the kids would have room to learn.

To my surprise, once the girls were out there, I wasn’t nearly as uneasy. All the players were uncoordinated, timid, unsure of themselves. Andie was the first of my two to play and she reminded me of myself on the court – she seemed more prone to making sure her hair was in place than in rebounding the ball, let alone actually guarding her girl. Her dad kept yelling, “Andie, where’s your man?” to which she would stop and look up at him, confused, as a herd of girls ran past her.

In normal life, Andie is quite aggressive and bossy. She loves to be in charge and to take on as much responsibility as I’ll let her. To see her on the basketball court was a lot like watching another person, or at least someone with a different personality. When she first went out, she looked absolutely petrified, a reincarnation of my feelings the few times I was sent into the last minutes of a game. She hung back, clearly afraid and not sure what to do. When she was open for a pass, she’d reluctantly yell to the girl with the ball, but I could tell she was hoping the ball wouldn’t be passed to her.

I was shocked to see that her easygoing, gentle twin sister, Rachel, was a dynamic player. She guarded her girl fiercely, not letting her get anywhere near the ball, even though Rachel herself was a few inches shorter. A tiny little thing, Rachel was the only girl among her teammates on the floor who tried to rebound the ball. Unfortunately, she just couldn’t quite reach it. “She needs to grow about four inches,” her dad muttered to me. Even more to my astonishment, as point guard, Rachel dribbled the ball down the court masterfully, rarely looking down at it, as most of the girls did. Since she has inherited my coordination, or more appropriately, the lack thereof, I couldn’t believe how effortlessly she handled the ball.

Rachel played aggressively, toothpick legs pounding down the court, sticking to her girl like a bad wedgie, and pushing herself into the midst of the chaos in a desperate attempt to get the ball. I shook my head in wonder. “I can’t believe it,” I whispered, hopefully not loud enough for the video camera their dad had been using to pick up.

I wonder why different personality traits manifest themselves in sports or other activities. What is it about basketball that brings out Rachel’s fierceness and tenacity, her drive to work hard? Why does being out on the court make Andie nervous and timid?

Both girls used to take piano lessons, but Rachel never liked it much. Getting her to practice was like trying to ice skate on your heels. She finally gave it up because it was “too hard.” On the opposite side of the spectrum is Andie, who often has to be asked to stop practicing because it’s driving us crazy. She works hard at piano and is eager to learn new concepts.

The drive could be purely interest. Or perhaps it’s talent. Or maybe it’s just a mixture of both. Whatever it is, it’s sure fun to gather new insight into their personalities through their activities.