Happy Families…Bounce

Some say, sure, it’s easy to be a happy family when life is good. When money isn’t a problem, when the kids are little angels, when we’re all healthy, when the in-laws are loving and supportive, when partners are joyfully in love — boy, are we happy! But what about real people in real families with some real trouble? Can we be expected to be happy when times are tough?

Yes.

Bad things happen. Financial hardship, hospitalization, relocation, problems at school, even physical abuse — they happen all the time in all families. Some families fall apart under the strain; others take the hit, but bounce right back. Why is that? Why can some families, but not others, weather the tough times and remain strong, loving and happy? The key secret of the families who are able to bounce is found in one word: resiliency.

VOTING FOR RESILIENCY

Resiliency is a common term, usually associated with toughness or durability; for example, the balsam fir is a resilient tree, able to withstand harsh northern winters. In human psychology terms, it often refers to the capacity of an individual to recover quickly from a misfortune or trauma and maintain an established pattern of functioning. More simply, resiliency is the quality of families that can stretch and bounce back when confronted with challenges! Not only is this ability important, but, according to the individuals who completed the Happy Family Survey, it is the single more important factor in keeping a family together.

When asked what contributed most to a happy family, respondents were asked to rank the following six factors: (1) agreeing about money, (2) resiliency, (3) doing a lot of activities as a family, (4) having children grow up with both biological parents, (5) living within an hour’s distance from the children’s grandparents, and (6) attending religious services weekly.

Resiliency was given the number one vote more than any other factor. When I analyzed the data, I found an interesting phenomenon. This choice of resiliency as an important factor in a happy family didn’t waver according to the type of family: whether respondents were in a traditional nuclear, step, blended, single-parent, or gay or lesbian family, all recognized that if you have resiliency, then you have the necessary ingredient to have a happy family.

Unfortunately, having a family that can weather the slings and arrows of life’s outrageous fortune doesn’t come easy. That’s why its integral role in family dynamics is too often kept a secret.

Excerpted from The Secrets of Happy Families by Scott Haltzman, M.D.  Copyright © 2009 by Scott Haltzman. Reprinted with permission of the publisher, John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

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