You see, this particular holiday season has found me far, far down, where the sun just don’t shine. Normally, I adore Christmas and everything it brings, means and stands for, but this year was terribly difficult for a variety of reasons. I’m coming through the darkness onto the other side, finally; to my usual optimism and innate ability to thoroughly enjoy my morning cup of coffee, a beautiful, sunny day and listening to my kids’ chatter.

I don’t know when or why I stopped writing when I am unwillingly visiting The Dark Side (my term for clinical depression). As a tween and teenager, I filled journals with angsty prose, but as an adult, I’ve tended to avoid writing during these trips. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of what will come out. After all, like so many other writers, my hand seems to have a stronger connection to my emotions than my brain does. It can be pretty scary to not realize quite how you feel about something until you write about it.

Then too, there’s the guilt over knowing that in the whole scheme of things, whatever I am going through is nothing, NOTHING, compared to what other people in my life are. This knowledge makes me go inside myself even deeper, because I have no room to complain. I just don’t. I have blessings galore, more than I can even name or realize, and I should be deeply grateful for each and every one of them. And under normal circumstances, I usually am.

But that’s what depression does. It lies to you. It thunks you over the head with despair and self-pity, and when you feel ashamed and guilty for being forced to indulge yourself in it, it lays you out flat with more. It’s ruthless, searing, yet at the same time, incredibly dulling. You go through periods of sharp, spiky emotional pain and others of feeling like someone ripped everything that makes you YOU away. There’s no joy, only brief periods of pseudo-happiness that barely touch the surface.

Thankfully, I haven’t taken a journey to The Dark Side for quite a few years and I’m beyond grateful that the trip is at an end. Depression isn’t something I’m proud of, but it’s something I struggle with from time to time, just like other people deal with diabetes or an overactive thyroid. That many people don’t understand it as an illness, even in this age, is sad and terribly uneducated.

Depression doesn’t define me, but it is a part of who I am. I’d like to think that it has made me a more empathetic person, as well as a stronger person. It has certainly forced me, at times, to work harder than most people have to in order to accomplish the bare minimum.

Here’s to a long, long vacation from The Dark Side, and a light-filled, productive and peaceful 2012 for us all.

Do you struggle with depression? How do you deal with it (medication, therapy, exercise, etc.)? How does it affect your family?

No comment on the misspelled last name.(He and I have been over it many times.)

As I began reading the writing journal, which contains tiny gems in both pictures and phonetically-spelled words, I said, “Awwwwwww…” out loud when I got to this one:

My translation: The most important manners is always be kind. Being kind is nice. It is fun too. I like being kind.

What elicited the “Awwwwww…” from me was the picture, in which Logan drew himself opening a door for other people and saying, “Ladies go first.”

“What?” said Logan, who was sitting across from me, doing his homework and heard my sigh.

“That’s so gentlemanly of you,” I said, showing him the picture.

“Aw, Mom, you’re making me dashful,” he said.

“Dashful?” I echoed.

“Yeah, you know, when you’re embarrassed? You’re dashful,” he explained.

“Oh, you mean BASHFUL,” I corrected.

“Yeah, DASHFUL,” he nodded.

My dear friend, Amy, a freelance writer who is currently fighting her second battle with breast cancer and has a gorgeously-written blog on the subject, It’s in the Genes, once told me that she gets crabby when she’s not writing regularly. At the time, I wasn’t sure exactly what she meant, even though it was when I was working in the Herbalife club most of the time (and NOT writing) and I was, in fact, becoming crabbier and crabbier.

It has now been around a year since Amy’s crabby comment and I think I now finally and fully understand what she means. Even though it was crazy trying to blog every single day in May during the Blogathon, I was happier because writing brings me such joy. I know it may not seem that way, considering how often I have actually blogged since May, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that no matter how busy I am, I must, for my peace of mind and well-being, write for fun at least several times a week.

This probably stems from the pile of journals I started keeping at the age of 11, along with the stories, poetry and songs I was always penning. Writing is a huge component of who I am, and that’s something I need to remember, not stifle.

Truth be told, writing of any kind has been difficult to squeeze in these days what with the kids being home almost 24/7, plus my office job for LOGIA, which I love and am completely grateful for, but which does not afford me the time to write that I used to have. I miss my freelance writing business dreadfully and hope that someday, when the economy is better, I can get back to it, at least part-time.

In the meantime, plan on seeing me here much more often. I need to carve out a bit of time here and there to write, and this is the best place to do it.

Plus, I have so much to write about, I can’t even decide where to start!

What activity in your life is essential to your mental and emotional well-being? Why?

I don’t want to have a boring recap, but I do want to reflect on the biggest lesson I learned this time around.

Being forced to blog every day, even though it was self-induced, definitely stifles my creativity. A few times, I’ve written about unimportant and/or uninteresting minutiae in an effort to get that day’s post done.

That said, the Blogathon had the effect that I wanted it to in that it got me back into the routine of blogging. Obviously I won’t be blogging every day anymore, but I will be more consistent about it from here on out.

My favorite post during the Blogathon actually received ZERO comments, which surprised me. I thought perhaps my Screen Shut-off Day idea would inspire others to do likewise. I’m still planning on doing it, though I think I may start next week instead because this week has been crazy already.

Thanks for bearing with me through this month. I have a box full of goodies that need to be given away, so I will be running weekly giveaways beginning this week.

A peaceful, wonderful, sunny June to us all.

So, I went ahead and back-dated it to yesterday, since that’s when it was supposed to go live, and am hoping that I will still qualify for the drawing for goodies that Michelle Rafter is holding for the Blogathoners who post all 31 days of May.

Also, here’s a Public Service Announcement for everyone: Be sure to check the air pressure in your tires regularly! I’m terrible about vehicle maintenance of any sort, so when I ended up with a flat tire today, I wasn’t super-surprised. What I was surprised about was that the guys who fixed the leak could see that I’d been running low on air in my tires for many, many miles.

Please excuse me while I hang my head in shame.

Because let’s face it: You can’t live very long without doing that about which you are passionate and still maintain true happiness. OK, so I just made that up, but it sounds good and is, at least in part, true. I have been spending the majority of my time the last few months working on my Herbalife business, which is in its own way very fulfilling, but I desperately miss that part of myself that makes me ME — the writer I’ve been ever since I can remember.

I hope to someday get back to that part of my life full-time again; to make real all the ideas I have running around in my head; to reclaim the part of myself that has gone somewhat missing. In the meantime, I will keep posting here as I can because it’s the one last tentacle I have out there in the writing world.

What’s your passion? Do you indulge it frequently?

Call me crazy, as I already have plenty of other new projects, but I signed up to do the annual WordCount Blogathon again this year. The Blogathon runs from May 1-31 and consists of freelance writers and bloggers from all walks of life. Our mission is to post every single day in the month of May.

The Blogathon started in 2008, when freelancer Michelle Rafter, then a new blogger, decided to enlist a group of us to motivate each other to blog every single day during May. Michelle’s blog, WordCount, is about freelancing in the digital age and has gained a boat load of readers since that first Blogathon.

I was a new blogger at that time as well and since I seem to do really well with group motivation, I joined in. It was a good experience and I did manage to blog most days. In 2009, 45 of us joined, I only missed one day, made a ton of new friends, some of whom I got to meet last fall at our writer’s conference, and we had a Twitter party on June 1 to wrap it up and discuss the good and the bad of the Blogathon.

This year promises to be extra-exciting since the Blogathon now has sponsors and those of us who post every day will have our names entered in giveaways for writing-related prizes. We even have badges for our blogs! Needless to say, I’m psyched.

Be sure to tune in this month! I’ll have at least one guest blogger, some fun giveaways and all sorts of creative posts to fill the wonderful month of May.

This is where you come in. I need help with this oh-so-important decision, so I’m counting on you, my readers, to help me out with this by leaving a comment telling me which one(s) is/are your favorite(s).

Here we go. (This is in no particular order, by the way.)

1.  Careful, or you’ll end up in my NOVEL.

2.  I am an instrument of change — I write.

3.  Deadlines amuse me.

4.  The voices are getting louder. Must be time to write.

5.  WRITER’S BLOCK: When your imaginary friends won’t talk to you.

6.  bad grammar makes me [sic]

7.  Obey the muse.

8.  Books may well be the only true magic.

9.  How To Write Good: Rule #4 — Avoid clichés like the plague.

10.  Don’t read this shirt. It’s only a draft.

11.  I write, therefore…I’m broke.

12.  NOT NOW! I’m on deadline.

13.  I prefer my own worlds to this one.

14.  Eschew obfuscation.

15.  Oh, this is SO going in my next novel.

16.  Writers create immortality.

17.  Instant writer: Just add coffee.

18.  Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.

OK, so what do you think?

For even more fun, I’ll send the person who leaves what I deem the most amusing comment a surprise gift. Woo hoo!

So, Happy New Year to everyone! I look forward to sharing some of my meaningful life experiences with you this year.

The author, Meredith Resnick, wrote this:

In honor of back to school I asked five of the writers I greatly admire to weigh in. With a very loose hat tip to the wonderful Raymond Carver–I wanted to know what these writers talk about when they talk about back to school. So here goes…(I’ve posted pictures of them from when they were kids. Click on their links to see how cute they still are).

I’m honored that Meredith, who has a beautiful way with words and also blogs about adoption at Psychology Today, chose me as one of the writers to feature.

Go and check out The Writer’s [Inner] Journey and give Meredith some love!